Christmas Eve

I'm enjoying my long weekend, I go back to work on Tuesday, Jim Wednesday. Boy is his check going to be small this time. But I got in most of my overtime, so I should be ok. I've been sitting here planning dart tournaments. That is really focusing our lives right now. There's work and darts, with his folks sprinkled in there. I'm concerned about money but as usual, Jim says don't worry.

I haven't been really writing for a while. I'm so tired after working 9 hours and driving 2, that if it's not a dart night, I'm usually dead in front of the tv as soon as I get home. I'm going to start working out three days a week to see if that helps any. I have my first RA dr appointment next month so I think, or I should say, I hope, she can help me out of this weariness.

I'm reading a book one of the Wicked's sent me called Double Dutch? I think, my bag is in the car so I'll have to get it out. Its not bad, sometimes the wording is a little academic and the main character is a woman, but is written by a man. And you can tell. Funny, my one mystery I have floating in my head more than written down is with a POV of a man, a medium type that doesn't always like what he's been given. Maybe I should think about writing him. Men have always been a mystery to me, look at my love life. Can I write one convincingly?

The other Christmas surprise I got was a book by Ann Parker, Iron Ties. I must have entered a drawing cuz it just showed up with the author signing the book and everything. It looks good, maybe I'll get into it this weekend, or next, we have two where darts are not a priority but the apartment is screaming that it needs to be cleaned and I swore I'd send Alex some cookies.

I wonder if there is a magic pill that will give me the energy to get the must do's done and the want to do's started. Am I letting the urgent take over the important? God I wished I had thought of that. When do I find time to go back to school? To write? To see the art gallery Reinesance collection?

Merry Christmas to all.

Happy Holidays

I thought I had saved my holiday letter and was going to post it here, but no luck. I'm feeling overwhelmed lately and not doing well in getting things done. So since I have a few minutes from my break at work I thought I'd add a few lines here.

We are in first on Sunday night darts. Jim took first in league for ADA. And we've started a new league on Wednesdays where we play with another couple. I shot like crap last night but great the first night. There has been a lot of rain and I think that affects me more than I would like to admit. Jim plays now on Thursdays too and will be replacing his Tuesday night league with a Monday night one. So we are still too busy. It's tournament season however, so that means we need to be on our game. Jim has taken home money (after beer and quarters) two weekends in the last month. Lets hope that continues.

Holiday cards are out, gifts sent and only two more to worry about. There was no tree this year, no room, no time. But next year I am going to go all out and really enjoy the season. Of course I say that every year. I did get into the food drive for the local families, so that helped. That reminds me, I wonder what our "winnings" are. They have had three raffles this season for gifts and I didn't win anything in any of them. But one girl who carols with me, she won something in all of them.

Here's to a happy holiday season and a blessed new year. I've been thinking about what my 2007 goals are going to be so I think that will be my next post. Merry Christmas!

I hate it when I do that.

So, about my conviction to win NANO. I don't think its going to happen. Of course, it still could, I have hope, but I started writing last weekend, then stopped. Now I'm on another computer, don't ask, and don't have even the start on this one to add to.

I have four tests to study for Tuesday. Incentives, LTT, Business Management, and Interpersonal Skills. Do you know how many classes, tests, I've taken to tell me what type I am and how to deal with others?

This new one DISC, put me as a Dominant. Which doesn't surprise me. I'm in a new job, a new industry for that matter, and I'm reverting to my original type. Get the work done, show everyone I'm worthy, and focus on tasks. And I wonder why people think I'm cold. lol

Dart season is starting hard and heavy here. We have tournaments scheduled at least one a month until after Memorial Day. It will be interesting to see how we do. I am very happy we are in Playmor. I guess that is the only "league" I'm playing, really. I've substituted for the Wednesday night one, but this is the one that I'm truely involved in.

Well, gotta go and study. I'll let you know how they go.

Cleaning off my desk.

I have been moving things around. A clean desk is like a sane mind. So saying mine is never clean tells you a lot about me. Well, at work, it is clean, which tells you about work. I have too much time and not enough to do. I even scaled down my SMART goals this week because my boss thought I was streaching too far. What is the saying I have : The enemy of the best is the good. And never change your convictions based on fitting in. Well, I broke both of those mantra's this week.

So I spent some time writing. Writing a short story about walking and meeting a ghost, and moving into the past. I'm fascinated by the past. By buildings that used to house people who are no longer here. Is this based on my fascination with my dad and never knowing him? On my wall next to my desk, I have three pictures. One with my dad when I was a baby, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. One of the farm where I was born which is now been sucked up by the dairy farm on the other side of the mile block. And one of me in high school with the other Boys and Girls State'ers and the then Govenor of Idaho, John Evans. I never thought I would be picked for Girls State and the thought I was gave me the balls to try a lot of things in life. I tried to get Alex to try out, but he just wasn't into it like I was.

The only other thing on my wall is my Employee of the Year, 1996. The year we changed welfare as we know it. Another award I never thought I would get. Amazing what happens when I step up and put my self out for risks.

I've been worrying about the things I don't have, money, time, a real house, my library I left in Idaho. But I haven't been celebrating and working on the things I do have. Talent, drive, and energy.

My desk is filled with things I haven't done or that I've started. My lists, a gift certificate and catalogs for a candle company, My writers guidelines book and my writing. A lot of things I've started and never finished or sent out. That is going to stop today. As of today, I risk again. I set the world on notice that I am here. And I will be a writer. I will have a house, soon. And I will be successful. And my definition is that of being able to live comfortably, have my writings published, and finishing my novels.

NaNo is starting next wednesday. 50000 words in one month. This year I will finish and win.

Off to clean my desk some more.

Lynn

I guess I need to rename my blog

I was thinking that having this blog, I would write about writing. What I'm submitting, what I'm trying, what progress I'm having, but I'm not any of those things. I'm not writing again. Not even in a journal. The journal is what keeps me unblocked. Lets me get my fears out on paper so I don't sound like a screaming idiot during the day when I'm talking to others. But I don't journal. I diet but don't really exercise, just walk once or twice a day with co workers. And weekends, I don't do anything, really. Darts have taken up a lot of my free time again. Darts and driving. Ok, so now I'm whining.

I only have a couple minutes but I thought I'd write about the Toby Keith concert. We got there early so we were first in line. And then we waited for fhree hours in line, before they would let us in the gate. Note to self: That is really too early! Then beer was $7.50 a pop. See even when I'm writing about something else, I'm whining. Joe Nichols was his second act and he was good, but I think he was better in Boise. And then he had Rushlowe Harris? as his opening. They only had guitars so it was acostical? but I thought they were very good. Jim and his folks didn't agree.

Well, the road is calling. Back to work today. PowerPoint class tomorrow. Should be a fun week.

Illinois

It stll seems strange that I live in Illinois. I've been dealing with a bit of depression (I think) lately. I don't know if its the long days and I'm just tired all the time or if there is something else going on. My birthday is coming up Friday and I won't have the celebration I had last year at work. Flowers, bears and lunch out. But really, those things were trappings and I only talk to one of the women who participated in that show of affection now. Does the grandness of the gesture prove it is just a gesture?

I have lots to write about. I went to a private concert for about 50 people by Steve Holy a couple weeks ago. He sings Good Morning Beautiful, and I've got a Brand New Girlfriend. His stage presence was very bright and entertaining. But then we got in the line to do autographs and he was a little standoffish. So I couldn't get my picture taken with him at all. But I got one with one of the two guitar players from his band, Adam. He was eating bbq from Bandannas a local bbq place that uses WIL 92.3. He was great and didn't mind stopping and getting a picture. The calm before the fame, I guess. Steve was just too worried about catching his plane.

So that was fun. I took off during the day at lunch, we had an extra hour since we made our "team" goal given to us, so with that, I didn't even lose any paid time. And I went to a new part of St. Louis I hadn't been before, Creve Couer. Don't ask. It must be like Couer d Alene. Maybe its an indian name from the Lewis and Clark party?

Well, all this fun had ruined my diet plans. I was down three pounds from where I am today but between the bbq, the casino night party, the Anheiser Busch tour, United Way's bbq, and dart nights, I have fallen off the diet wagon. I put the list of stuff in above, so that I'll remember to write about them. Hopefully. But its almost 6 am and I need to get ready for work. This week is busy as I have my Texas renewals to get done. Both the other states are started as far as I can go. And, September/October are all done!

Later.

I love Sunday's

Of course when the alarm went off this am, I thought it was Monday and started berating myself on the things I didn't get done this weekend. I even woke Jim up. Now, I find that funny.

But why do I love Sunday's. I try to do things for me on Sunday. Walk the dogs, read the newspaper, maybe even pull out a novel and get a few pages in. But lately HGTV has been taking up my time with Design Star. Thank goodness David won last night and I won't have to worry about that any more. I never understood why people would watch American Idol, but boy I got hooked on Design Star. Luckly, HGTV knows my time is short and ran a marathon so I could watch all the episodes, almost, at the same time. I guess I feel like interior design is more interesting than singing. And they seemed like intellegent people for the most part, but you do get involved in the drama and want certain people to lose because face it, they just don't get along with others.

I think playing well with others is probably the one key element of success in today's world. Yea, we all like the ruthless business man sterio type, but we all root on his demise as well. After all my bosses and my different jobs, in and out of the government, non-profit, and for profit world, the one lesson I've learned is you have to be good to work with or you can make everyone's life miserable. You can only work for the world's biggest witch for so long before you lose yourself and need to find another job.

When I threw my desk chair at home across the kitchen because one of my co workers had stolen one of my ideas and was getting promoted because of it, I knew it was time to leave the Toxic Environment. There has been a lot written about Toxic workplaces, but I don't think people really take it seriously.

I was working with this one lady who had a supervisor who was out to get her. Really. She had even told me that she thought this worker needed to leave and she was going to be the one who did it. When Sara (name changed) came to talke to me in tears about the latest mean, cruel discussion she had endured from Mrs. Hateful, I was dealing with my own Mrs. Spiteful, and gave her the speech I had been giving myself.

The only thing in the world you can change is your attitude about how you react to their comments. If you let them affect you, they win. If you truely can't take their involvement in your life anymore, you need to find something else to do. We work with people for more hours out of the day than we spend with our family and loved ones. You need to chose the ones you work with in a positive manner. Don't burn your bridge if you decide to leave, but leave if you need to. Or make the decision to stay and change the way you react.

Sara took this advice, stayed and eventually was moved to another supervisor who she loved. But she dealt with Mrs. Hateful in a calm, professional manner, and didn't let her barbs affect her. She used the "That may be true" response when told how to change her work and then did the best job she could.

So I love Sunday's. Time to reflect on the week. Time to find myself. Time to examine how I have reacted this week and make plans for next week to be better.

And now, I throw darts on Sunday nights. We will have to see if I like that or not.

Later, LYnn

New picture

I found this picture from a pile of old undeveloped film I have. I have made it a goal to get it all developed by the end of the year. Imaging my surprise when I opened up the picture envelope at Wal-Mart and found these pics from when I was livng with the child molester and supporting his harem. But, I was skinny. So I threw away a lot of the pictures but kept the ones that I liked.

Has it really been a month?

Ok, I am so sorry. I can't believe I haven't stopped in for over a month to write. I can tell you that I'm working 9 hours a day, driving 1.5 hours (when traffic is good) and basically tired out. Working out has become a thing of the past, the dishes sit until one of us gets tired of them, and I'm asleep by 9 at the latest which has made it more important for me to get a DVR. Do you hear that Charter? I don't care if it is a popular item! This household must have one before the new seasons start so I can watch Medium and Ghost Whisperer without worrying about falling asleep.

But, I was talking to my sister (on email today-I don't use the phone, which makes the below story even more relevant.) and came up with a picture of me in my new job that I wanted to share. Usually, I just share the good stuff so this is a streach for me. (BTW-Did I tell you I got a raise within a month of my hire date? See, it's impossible for me to stop with all the good news crap.)

So I was reading untitled.com, a very clever new blog my sister turned me on to and she said:
"They don’t talk at precisely the wrong second, allowing someone else to talk over them, thus nullifying their comments and ensuring their status as “the slow woman in the corner with barbeque sauce on her shirt.”
Boy, have I felt like that before, totally invisible. Which brings me to my story. I made a major fuba (is that how you spell it?) at work last month. We had a Wecome new hires breakfast, left the lunchroom where they feed us and made us do a stupid "Lets find out about you game" where I said the best kitchen appliance was a blender, but what I really meant to say was one of those expensive mixers that everyone gets as a wedding present, unless like me, you are 8 months pregnant and everyone is just glad you are getting married, even if he is an asshole. But back to my mistake. Or should I say my most recent mistake.

So we leave the lunchroom and go to the training room which is really neat and I'm going to have to call my old trainer buddy and let her know about the full whiteboard wall they have. There is a man standing outside the room with a suit on. I'm figuring hes a trainer as we are a business professional dress corporation. Nope, he's the VP of Fleet Services and I walk right by him like he's a janitor, holding the door. Everyone else stops and shakes his hand. He notices I walk right by and Kathy, the other new girl who was raised with manners, says something to me about saying hello. I say, is it manditory? Stupid, huh? So I guess my glass ceiling has come down a few floors and being a trainer there is probably out the window.

But, I like my job mostly. Sometimes I don't have anything to do, so I started designed a training program for new employees for their Xerox system that makes and stores copies of everything they do so they don't have to keep files. Boy, DHW at home needs to look into this. This system would save a Brazilian rain forest in the amount of trees saved for paper. And I'm not getting a cutback from Xerox for saying this, although they are welcome to call me to get my mailing address for any checks they feel inclined to send my way.

I have been doing a lot of reading, at breaks and at lunch. But everyone wants to come and sit and eat lunch with me. (See note above.) Maybe I'm just not a friendly type? And now, I don't get invited out to lunch when they go. See now I'm whining again. I want it all my way. Leave me alone when I want to read but invite me to eat out with you when I'm feeling lonely and cut off from the world. In other words, read my mind.

So writing, I have started a health journal to track my thoughts about losing, there is no try, this weight. I can be back in my nice clothes by the new year according to this new "Spark Diet" program. But I freak when I try to limit myself, so I'm writing about my freaking.

And, I sent an essay to Cup of Comfort for Writers. I finished my "Personal Trainers from Hell" finally and now need to research a market to send it to. I still have to write my Grit submission, Corn, corn- I think this is going to be about growing up and going through the corn freezing party we always had. But I haven't written it yet, so who knows.

Anyway, I'll be a better poster, I promise. I'm writing down an appointment for a couple of days from now. Thanks for stopping in. And Janet, thanks for bugging me about not posting.

Is everything going to stop?

So now that we have a new computer, and of course, I got the old hand me down, the dryer that came with the apartment isn't working. And I left laundry till the last minute this weekend. If its not one thing. Sometimes I think I'm the walking posterboard for Murphy's Law.

Down to two puppies. Jim says we are keeping one so, that means that Baby is the last one that needs to go. He's really cute so I don't think it will be a problem, but I'll probably have to put an ad in the paper as we are so far out from St. Louis, I'm getting a little worried.

Writing is not happening. I need to reexamine my time and see if there is any wiggle room to put it in. I haven't been paid for my June article yet either. And it's hard to know if they used my July one or not, since I'm 1600 miles away. I drive at least two to three hours a day for work. That's a lot of time in the car. But I hear that the pay rates on this side of the river are really a problem.

I feel like we are finally getting our crap together so hopefully, things won't break down on me too much. It would be nice to be on the positive side for a while and get things taken care of so I can get a house loan.

Well, I'm just whining so I think I'll stop now.

Its hot.............................

Technical Difficulties

Of course my computer decides to take a summer vacation this week. I think it may have been the heat. So, if you don't hear from me soon, please be patient. I am taking it to the cyber vet on Saturday to see if there is any help, or if it, along with all of my recent writing is up for the graveyard. Back up, Back up, Back up. :(

Ok, well I have the picture now. It was an issue with Netscape. So, this is me in my natural environment. Ok, well it was my mom's birthday and Jim and I were at a small steak house with all of my brothers and sisters. (Except my half sister, who chose not to come.)

Finding the errors

Three posts and I've used the phrase, "not my cup of tea" twice. No wonder I have trouble writing. And what is it about me that even though I have a job that I think is going to work well (or, not as many holidays as state government gives you and it seems, no tuition reimbursement but still not a clerical job) that I'm still looking at the classifieds and Monster and finding "Wow, that would be perfect!" I guess its the grass is always greener concept. I don't regret the move I made away from the state until I hear my friend LaDonna talking about the cool things she's learning and doing from e-learning to project management. And I got to talk about accounts receivable and medicaid denials. Just not the same.

I turned down a development director position with a local medical non profit right after I got the call for the job I accepted. Cool work, but lousy pay. And, it was clerical. But now there is a clerical position with a healthcare publishing company that would be an entry place into the business. And a government relations position with a trade association. Ok, its not to say that I would even be interviewed for either, I didn't get called on the Medicare D trainer that would have been perfect for me (they don't know what they missed out on) but I still feel drawn to applying for those greener lawns.

And what was that answer to the question, what completes me as a person (ok, it probably was what is your greatest accomplishment in your life?) I don't have to find amazing personal satisfaction from a job/career because my life is big and the job/career is only one part of the equation. How come I've always made it my life? Hiding from my ex husband? Probably.

Yesterday, instead of going and finishing my other jobs, I went to the library and wrote a little and found several books to take home with me. I love the library just like a good bookstore, like the one I found in Seattle, when I was waiting for my plane, or was it Portland? It must have been Portland, when I worked for Marquis and had to go to those stupid meetings every quarter. But anyway, I was walking through the stacks by the fireplace (non fiction area) and my mind came up with several ideas for articles or at least essays. Write about what you know. Living with a partner with mental illness. Raising a gifted child. Raising a child in a dysfunctional home. Divorce, a blessing. Choosing Psycho men, what to look out for. Power relationships, what to do if you are on the wrong side. Working with kids with disabilites. Making a non marriage work. Places I love in Illinois, St. Louis.

So at least my writer side is still there, waiting to come out and play. I just need to schedule it a play date with a notebook or a Word document. But today is a finishing day. And I am late for my walk. The dogs are waiting by the door.

Relaxation time

I finally have a job. After six weeks of worry and diriving and sending my resume to every possible job opening in the area. I have landed on my feet. And, it's not clerical. Ok, well most jobs are clerical when you get down to it, but this one is for a company that has advancement possibilities, and I'm going to be working on my Masters at the same time so that I can finally say I have it. I worked with several temporary services out here and the one advantage to that was I tested my way through their systems and really felt good about my skills in those areas. It was a good brush up for me.

So now I can stop thinking about paying the bills and start thinking about writing again. I've been spending so much time doing mystery shops or merchandising and going on interviews that my days have been filled. Jim goes off to work at 6 so he's back at the house by 3. And I just can't seem to write when he's here. Funny, that.

I was thinking yesterday during my walk, that I should carry the digital camera and give you some ideas about what the lay of the land looks like.I've seen a lot of neat things during the last two months, and I haven't written about them at all, unless you count the art museum. And I didn't even wax poetic about Forest Park, where the museum calls home. Its has the history museum, the zoo, and a lot more. One of my interviewee's said that it is bigger than central park in New York and was park of the World's Fair when it was in St. Louis. Do they even have World's Fair's anymore? And just down the street is the old brewery building. There is three houses attached to the brewery where the owners used to live and they have a tunnel and storage cave underneith the houses where they stored the beer to keep it cool.

We didn't go down to the arch for the fireworks, everyone was feeling a little off that day so we watched it on the big screen. Not really the same. There's a Busch race coming to the Gateway track the end of this month and I'm trying to figure out a way to get tickets. Howcome everything has to cost so much.

I didn't go to the writer's group meeting at the library because I didn't write down the specifics of where I found the information. And driving into St. Louis again, after being there all day dropping of phamplets to doctor's offices (one of my merch jobs) just seemed a little much. But I did watch the Stephen King mini series. The first one about the assassin who kills a toy maker and then gets killed by one of his advendging toys was better left as a read rather than putting it on tv. There is just something that gets lost in the translation. And, there was no dialog during the entire hour! Maybe artsy but not my cup of tea.

The second one was more my style about a couple who is on their honeymoon in England and finds a rip in the dimensional fabric. I had less problem believing the dimensional rip than I did the characters. I felt they were written or acted, very two dimensional and didn't really feel real to me, but boy I believed the monster. I guess I'm stuck with a writer's mind set, even when I'm relaxing and just zoning out on the telly.

Well, the dogs are begging for their walk and the dishes from last night still needing to be done and I still have to do a full day or two of mystery shops and doctor visits before I go to my new job on tuesday., so I need to kick it into high gear and get going.

Well, I'm having no luck at all adding a picture to my blog. I wonder sometimes if its not the computer and/or the fact I use Netscape, or if its just my inadequacy with the new technology. So, I've read the help screens and they say its so easy, just point and click but when I do, no window pops up like it suppose to do, so for right now, I'm pictureless.

Job search is still going, I wonder if I'm not spending enough time pounding the streets, but my situation doesn't lend itself well to just showing up on someone's door and saying, "Hey, do you want to hire me?" I'd be calling Jim to post my bail after being arrested and tested for a looney. And I'm not keen on spending another night in jail, I don't think I have enough water in my system to cry that much. (Another story there, but not today.)

I took some time friday to visit the St. Louis Art Museum. Its totally free on fridays as is the zoo, and the art museum. I guess the Science Center is always free for most exhibits but you have to pay for parking. It was outstanding. Coming from Boise where the Art Museum is the size of my old house, ok, maybe a tad bit bigger, but not much, I was impressed at the size of all the galleries. And the diversity of art was amazing. I am more drawn to European Art, (I'm a purest), but they spanned the globe and time. I saw one exhibit, that they usually charge for, called Remote Viewing, its suppose to be a futuristic view of art from other dimensions, think Star Trek on acid. Not my cup of tea, but they had youth guides walking kids groups through and explaining the art which I thought was amazing. (By the way, if you are with the Art Musuem and are reading this, I applied for the Publication Assistant position and would really like to talk to someone about the job.) This was a paid political announcement from the Get Lynn Working Campaign, Jim Cahoon, Treasurer.

But back to the art I did like. They had two Monet's that were amazing, and one of Dega's statues of a pre teen dancer. (What would we call him today for his passions?) I like the old dark oil paintings like those of woman with knitting or Mrs. Thomas Somethingorother. Why would you name a woman's picture based on the fact she was her husband's property? One more piece of the puzzle that brought us the womans liberation movement. They have an Eygptian mask that they are fighting with Eygpt over ownership. It was prettier in the paper when I just saw the picture. And they have three coffins and mummys. Now, it really got me thinking about what kind of society are we that we display the dead of other societies as art? The covers are beautiful and the displays also show the jars that the internal organs were kept in as well as xrays of the bones of these dead people. It was like a visit to a strange morgue. (see, I need to get back to work, my brain is thinking too much!)

With that, time to go copy some more resume's and write cover letters. Wish me luck or maybe just send food. I like Ramen and it doesn't cost much to ship.

Welcome to my world

Well, its been said that if you write today, you are a writer, so, instead of working on my novels in progress, I've chosen to build a blog. I guess its more entertaining than the 20K resume's and coverletters I've been sending lately. Or going to another job interview. How many ways can you answer the following: "Tell me about a time that you ran into a problem at work and how you solved it?" Or "Why did you apply to work with us?" (Hint: the answer to the last question is not a job, any job!)

I am a new resident to Illinois, Although I'm closer to St. Louis, MO. I used to live in Idaho. And these two places are the only places I've ever lived. My son says I'm moving through the states alphabetically, so Iowa, get ready, you're next.

So besides looking for work and avoiding writing, how do I spend my days? Well I have a personal trainer who works out with me every morning. Now before you get jealous, its really two personal trainers, Bella and Demon, my Pomeraniums. (Does spelling count here?) I made the mistake of starting to take them for a walk every morning, besides, what else do I have to do? Now, I'm committed. I'll be laying in bed, sleeping, something I like to do at 6:00 am, when Demon will start petting my face with his paws. "Get up, get up."

Now if I can manage to put him off for a while, I'll be sitting at the computer, going through my email, seeing what my stars have in store for me and he'll start begging. But he doesn't just look at me. He does the up on the back legs, paws in the air wave. Its just too much to take on no coffee, so I give in. I hate to see what time I'm going to have to get up when I do finally have a job!

An article idea is calling. Better go while the muse is in a good mood.

Lynn