Sunday, June 24, 2007

Another Month

Well, I'm down to my last two chemo's. One Tuesday and one two week later. Die all you cancer cells, die. And then on to a month of radiation. I have to say I'm tired of it all. Its wearing me down a lot. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. And I'm tired of whining. Or what I see as whining. Everyone's journey is so different. I talked to three different women in the last two weeks. 2 with breast cancer and one with a reoccurance of colan cancer. Everyone's situation was so different, but all of them were single. Both of the women with breast cancer are having or had masectamies. The woman with colan cancer was doing chemo three days every two weeks. I am a lucky girl.

Writing done in my evil plan. Ziltch. I could say I was too tired but I just didn't make time for it. Not cool.

Reading: I finished To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Wow. I can't believe I hadn't read it earlier. I've finished listening to: The Husband by Dean Koontz. Very good and so not like Mr. Koontz. I don't really know what I'm listening to now, but its a hostage taking, Russian hooker who bought her way into US slavery and now has the pregnant homicide detective but did have the medical examiner who found her alive in the cold room of the morgue. I'm also reading a compilization of essays on how to write a murder mystery.


Sunday, June 17, 2007

You wrote what?

Well, my essay has been selected to be published in the Sept/Oct issue of Grit! I'm soooo excited. Now, I'm doing some thinking about my next submission. Everyone I talk to says," now explain again what your essay is about?" I guess I need to work on my pitch. Ultimately I should be sending out 5 queries a week rather than this 1 a month thing. But as my excuse for most things this summer is, I'm going through chemo. I hate being weak.

I tried to go to a Sisters in Crime meeting in St. Louis last week on a day I was feeling good, but it was just too long and by the time I got home after leaving early, I was dead. It was interesting though and something that I might like to do later when I'm feeling better. Jim was out of town last week and will be this week again. He leaves tonight for Peoria.

So my evil plan for while he's gone is to write. I have two projects going that I would like to get done and a short story setting in my head. Fireflys and porch sitting to start. Jim and I and the dogs went for a walk last night and I only spyed one firefly.

The chemo is going better this time, not so much pain, mostly at night now. My shots are still a pain. I think I'm just freaking about them now. The race for the cure was this weekend and although I signed up, I didn't go. Next year!

I'm kind of all over the board on this post today. Not thinking very clearly at all. Sorry about that. My weight is up, but I'm 2.5 pounds down from yesterday. Can you say water weight? I know I'm gaining some but maybe some of it will go away once I stop Chemo.

Jim wants to go camping next weekend. We'll see. I'm a little nervous that I won't feel well and want to go home or to a motel to sleep. Its a good weekend to try as I should be stronger than I am this weekend.


Sunday, June 03, 2007

Chemo Brain

Well, the new Chemo (Taxol) is deadly. Ok, maybe that's an overstatement but this stuff really is kicking my butt. I started hurting on Thursday afternoon and I think I'm somewhat over it today. I was able to keep working but I didn't do much but sleep and take pain killers at night. So much for cooking healthy dinners and eating right. I felt good about cleaning the bath tub yesterday and doing a load of dishes. (By hand mind you.) Writing is out of the question, although I did finish reading High Heels are Murder by Elaine Viets. Its a mystery shopping series and one I wish I had thought of. It's based in Maplewood where I work but for me, the towns all run together and it all seems like St. Louis, though the "residents" see the difference, I guess.

I keep coming back to Suzie's husband Gard as he was going through the last stages of Pancreatic Cancer. They rented a hospital bed for him as he was sleeping in the recliner rather than the bed. He looked at it and said he couldn't get it that, it would kill him. And that was where he died. Was it his inability to give in to the cancer that made him fight so hard? I couldn't move the mattress up on the bed today after I changed the sheets and Jim had to do it. I felt so helpless and weak. I've been so strong and independent for so long, and now I can't move the freaking mattress! Ok, sorry, I had to fall apart for a moment, pity party about my hair, my weakness, my lack of independence, etc... I guess Sunday is my day to cry.

I bruised myself giving me a shot this session. I don't know if it was yesterday or some other day but I remember it really hurting and now I have a bruise and a mark where the needle went in.

Oh, I'm listening to the Historian by Elizabeth Kostova on my drive. I actually really like it but this book reviewer yesterday at the BEA session really trashed it. I signed up for the NY Times Books Update and realized, I don't read anything on their lists. Of course, I've been focused on mysteries to try to learn the genre right now, but really, some of the things these guys read? Get a life. I partially listened to a presentation on Why we read what we read, a study about our book habits and heard the part where they trashed romance and said it was all about men having power and the more power over the woman he had, the more popular the ending. Do we want men to have power over us, or do we just want to feel safe in a world that challenges us every day in its fears and opportunities. What's wrong with having one place that we don't have to be in charge and taking care of everything? I like having someone to talk over issues with rather than making all the decisions myself without any advise or assistance.

And with that, I'll sign off. My brain is tired and I think I'll lay down for a while.