Saturday, April 28, 2007

So, how are you doing?

How many times have I been asked that question lately? Maybe as often as, "So, you are still working?" Having a breast cancer diagnosis seems to go with a lot of fear, not only for me but my family, friends, and just the general public. I did learn at the Susan Koman walk presentation that a history of prostrate cancer in your family (my dad) can indicate breast cancer later. Humm, I wonder if that will pass from me to my son as a genedic disposition for breast cancer or prostrate? Another worry floating around in my head.

But my answer to the topic? I'm doing well. A lot of fatigue, but really doing well as much as I could expect or even better. I was a little weepy at my doctor's visit this week before Chemo and he had the heart to heart about how this is the hardest thing I have ever done and it's not an easy journey. And that is what it is, a journey. I've always seen life as terms of destination. When I ever get promoted and we have more money, life will be good. When my lazy ex husband decides to be better and get a job, life will be good. When I graduate from high school and move out of my crazy home provided by my mom and step father and Black Daniels, life will be good. But even with all the counseling and self help books and living through grief with the loss of a baby and the loss of a dream of a marriage, I don't think I've ever really just relaxed and enjoyed the journey.

I have lived a dream life for so long, in my dreams, not in my real life, am I ever going to be able to bring those dreams out into the waking world and focus into being happy now? And if I just worry about now, am I giving up future dreams? My sister was so focused on what she wanted to be when she grew up and she did it. She's my role model. First finding the job, then the associates, the bachelors and finally reaching what I've been striving for yet putting off for the men in my life for years, a masters degree. Hers is in nursing but I still haven't narrowed my focus down enough to describe it, let alone find it. I want to be in organizational design. Team building, mentoring, coaching, advising, training and writing.

Eyes bigger than my stomach? I don't know. I just know that Enterprise has been wonderful to me during this phase of my journey. I don't think I'm using my talents in the most productive way but I don't have a lot of work pressures or demands on me right now so a day off for Chemo won't hurt someone or damage my position.

Reading: Not much but I finished a Tami Hoag CD Bad Acts that was excellent. Very detailed lots of red herrings, lots of gore. Started a Susan Grafton CD yesterday. Last night I had mystery nightmares, being killed, abducted, etc. Maybe I should lighten my reading a bit!

I did read the first book in the Debutante Dropout Mystery series Blue Blood by Susan McBride, a St. Louis writer. Actually very good. A fun, fast read. 4 hours (I needed a magazine to finish my Chemo tuesday and I had just started it that morning.)

Well, later. Jeani, I'll answer your question off line.

3 comments:

Susan McBride said...

Lynn, I stumbled upon your blog, and it was very cool to see you'd read BLUE BLOOD and enjoyed it. Let me know if I can send you signed copies of any others. I also, and more importantly, wanted to say, "stay strong, chickie!" I've been there in the breast cancer fight, too, just recently as a matter of fact (was diagnosed right before Christmas). You sound like you're doing everything right, so keep it up, listen to your body, rest when you need to, and know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. If you're at the Komen race in St. Louis in June, I may bump into you!

Lynn said...

Susan:
Thanks a lot for the note. My "source" at the hospital, the nurse that works at the weekend cancer center actually hooked me up with all three of your books, so they are all in my TBR pile. Now, signed copies, that would be amazing... I'm such a book geek!

Komen is on my calendar, hopefully, I'll feel strong enough to go. This journey has really been different. From my surprise diagnosis in February, it seems all I do is run and take tests or treatment. So I never plan in stone, more of a we'll see kind of schedule.

If not at Komen, maybe one of the Sisters in Crime meetings or your next book signing? I'll be sure to pop my head up the next time I see you promoting. I've been meaning to get over to one of the local writing groups and get involved. But that's one more thing on my to do list.

Have a great muggy hot day!

Susan McBride said...

Hey again, Lynn! So, you've got a stash of three of my books, huh? Do you have the fourth, which is the latest, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB? I definitely want to send you a signed copy. If you'll email me at susan@susanmcbride.com and give me a mailing address, I'll get one off to you pronto. I will be doing a few events around town in May, on the 15th at the Flo Valley Library branch and on the 19th at Main Street Books in St. Charles, talking to the SinC chapter (and any others who might wander in!). Maybe I'll see you, if you're feeling up to it. But take it easy, girl. I didn't do chemo, but I did 33 sessions of radiation. All of that, plus doc visits and labwork, wears you out. Your health is most important. We can always do lunch when you're better! We can talk books and boobs. Seems like I've done that a lot these past four months!