Monday, May 07, 2007

Almost half way through

Well, I am at least with the Chemo. The treatment I get on Tuesday will be number 4. Of course I ran into a new problem, pain from the shingles hit on Friday night. So Saturday morning after talking to the fellow on call, I got another prescription. As I type, I am hoping it's going to kick in at any time. So this post will probably be pretty short. And a story is trying to come through but I can't sit for any length of time to get it down right now.

Another dart friend from Illinois has passed away this weekend. Mike Bova. He said he was having back problems and died of a heart attack. What more is there to say. Its very sad as he was a very nice man.

I got scared Saturday about my mortality. So I called a friend and just started crying. Jim had said something before I left for the laundry mat about changing jobs and it scared me to. So when I called Nina, all I could do is cry. She was so funny, she offered me a place to stay if I needed to come home for a while but it wasn't even that. There are so many under the surface fears that this diagnosis brings that I don't talk about. But I've gone through a lot already and I know I might have to go through more, but I am strong and can do this. Even if I look like a biker in my scarves.

I watched the news on Friday morning and realized why I don't watch the news around here. Blood, death, guts and gore. There is an awful lot of drug use here. A lot of shootings, stabbings, car accidents. I guess its just fodder for my mysterys. But what I'm finding with the mysterys I've been reading, there is a certain path or formula if you will for the mysterys. Hunt Road doesn't follow these so I'm wondering if I'm writing backstory again? I chucked about four chapters several years ago when I realized I was writing backstory. But maybe my problem is I'm not writing a mystery? It was just like when I was writing my short stories that seemed like romance but didn't have the happy ever after ending. I think I just need to write the story as I see it and then figure out if its marketable as it stands or needs a total rewrite.

There was a huge discussion on Wicked Company this week about the slush pile and how many really good stories get thrown away because the magazine didn't have room for them or the editor just didn't like them. I threw in my 2 cents which came from reading Idaho Review slush and said, really there weren't that many "excellent" stories in the slush pile. Out of the 100s I read that semester, I can only remember two or three that I said, we have to look at this one. Now even with those few, I think only one passed the reviewing board and made it in the book. But a lot of the stories were just bad. Really bad. But we have this one writer who thinks that just isn't true. I think she's dealing with rejection syndrome. Where you think your stories are great and so must every one else's stories that get rejected are great too.

My pain pill is starting to kick in a little so I feel like I can breathe. Can I say this really sucks! Well, it does. I have my prescriptions filled for the next round of Chemo. I need to buy some pudding but I'm full on soups. So here goes.

Reading? I'm not as much but working on S is for Silence, Sue Grafton which is an audio book. Thanks to the person who thought this idea up. It makes the drive so much better! I'm almost done and Kinsey is running from the murderer. Its been fun, lots of red herrings, in fact she had me convinced someone was the villian up until the end. And that's the difference in those mysteries and Hunt Road. I know and the reader knows who the killer is by chapter three, I think. So what am I writing? Why does anyone want to read it?

Other readings? I'm working on Lisa Unger's Beautiful Lies and Janet Evanovich's Four to Score. Not having to go to the hospital for shots for seven days after chemo has cut into my reading time. When I'm home and awake, I feel like I should be doing something or talking to Jim.

Well, I think I'm done with the pity party and since the pill has loosened up my arm, I think I will try to get Miss Emily's story started today.


Susan McBride said...

Hang in there, Lynn! And, you know, I think throwing yourself a pity party is pretty danged normal under the circumstances. So let yourself cry when you need to, but then remind yourself that you WILL get through the s**t and you WILL get healthy again. When you do, you will be stronger than ever in so many ways. Because, IMHO, once you've gone through breast cancer (or any cancer diagnosis) and come out the other side, you'll realize "if I can survive that, I can do anything." Sending you a big bear hug! (And I hope NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB arrives in your mailbox soon!)

Lynn said...

As you can see, I don't pop into my blog as much as I should, but right now I don't do anything as much as I should. I'm too busy worrying about what my body is doing or not and if it really is a problem or not. (Grin)

Yes, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB showed up the other day and I was going to write you a proper thank you, you know, through snail mail, but Homer, the amazing chewing pommy puppy (although he's almost a year old) found the envelope one day when I was at work so I guess this is your thank you. Sorry.

Luckly the book was elsewhere!

Thanks for the hug!