Sunday, June 03, 2007

Chemo Brain

Well, the new Chemo (Taxol) is deadly. Ok, maybe that's an overstatement but this stuff really is kicking my butt. I started hurting on Thursday afternoon and I think I'm somewhat over it today. I was able to keep working but I didn't do much but sleep and take pain killers at night. So much for cooking healthy dinners and eating right. I felt good about cleaning the bath tub yesterday and doing a load of dishes. (By hand mind you.) Writing is out of the question, although I did finish reading High Heels are Murder by Elaine Viets. Its a mystery shopping series and one I wish I had thought of. It's based in Maplewood where I work but for me, the towns all run together and it all seems like St. Louis, though the "residents" see the difference, I guess.

I keep coming back to Suzie's husband Gard as he was going through the last stages of Pancreatic Cancer. They rented a hospital bed for him as he was sleeping in the recliner rather than the bed. He looked at it and said he couldn't get it that, it would kill him. And that was where he died. Was it his inability to give in to the cancer that made him fight so hard? I couldn't move the mattress up on the bed today after I changed the sheets and Jim had to do it. I felt so helpless and weak. I've been so strong and independent for so long, and now I can't move the freaking mattress! Ok, sorry, I had to fall apart for a moment, pity party about my hair, my weakness, my lack of independence, etc... I guess Sunday is my day to cry.

I bruised myself giving me a shot this session. I don't know if it was yesterday or some other day but I remember it really hurting and now I have a bruise and a mark where the needle went in.

Oh, I'm listening to the Historian by Elizabeth Kostova on my drive. I actually really like it but this book reviewer yesterday at the BEA session really trashed it. I signed up for the NY Times Books Update and realized, I don't read anything on their lists. Of course, I've been focused on mysteries to try to learn the genre right now, but really, some of the things these guys read? Get a life. I partially listened to a presentation on Why we read what we read, a study about our book habits and heard the part where they trashed romance and said it was all about men having power and the more power over the woman he had, the more popular the ending. Do we want men to have power over us, or do we just want to feel safe in a world that challenges us every day in its fears and opportunities. What's wrong with having one place that we don't have to be in charge and taking care of everything? I like having someone to talk over issues with rather than making all the decisions myself without any advise or assistance.

And with that, I'll sign off. My brain is tired and I think I'll lay down for a while.

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