Wednesday, February 28, 2007

One week later

Well, my surgery was a week ago on Wednesday and I'm still feeling beat up and flying a little high on the pain meds, so bear with me. My keyboard sticks on this computer, the new one that came with the Dell I just bought got the cord chewed up by Homer, the amazing chewing Pommy that Jim just had to keep but is my dog now. Maybe when I get back to work I'll get a wireless keyboard and mouse combo. See, I'm always dreaming.

I don't really remember where I left the blog off. I know I told you all about the second set of mamograms but maybe not about the biopsies and the fact that it came back as "a small cancer" on my left side as well as cancer in my lymph nodes on the left and "atypical" cells on the calcifications on the right. So we did lumpectomies on both sides and took out several lymph nodes on the left. Tomorrow I get to find out if the margins were clear or not and if the cancer is hormone based which means I'll be on another medicine for five years in addition to the Chemo and Radiation. Its a little overwhelming sometimes but everyone (except one person) has been very positive and upbeat when talking to me and that really helps. It's just like when I was training and I'd get 100 great evaluations but focus on that one that said I didn't make any sense at all and I should never train again. Is this human nature? Or just my environmental learning cues that came from my childhood?

I'm getting better at saying I have breast cancer without falling apart right afterwards. I haven't even gone down the road of research to see what's happening next. Its been very overwhelming (I'm sure I'll use that word more than a few times) but I want to stay positive and try not to worry myself about things that are out of my control. I'd like to say its given me loads more to write about but my creative well is tired right now and my muse seems to get higher on the pain meds than I do. I know, the world is full of excuses.

But for now, that's where I am. Work sent me this awesome plant and I've gotten cards from lots of old friends and a get well package from a dart friend which were all total blessings. I've gotten a little money from several friends which has helped more than I will admit. Between parking at the hospital, the gas to St. Louis, and the co pays on the medicine, I would have been unable to get through without this help. I guess this is the time that I need to understand that gifts are not a sign of my weakness but a sign of strenght that I'm able to ask for help when I need it. I've taken care of myself for so long (and others) that admitting I can't take care of myself and everything that surrounds me is so hard. Maybe this is the lesson I need to learn?

Well, now I'm crying, (big baby) so I'm going to end this and park myself in front of the tv for a while. Kiss the ones you love and call the ones you can't reach. Its important, believe me.

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