Another Month

Well, I'm down to my last two chemo's. One Tuesday and one two week later. Die all you cancer cells, die. And then on to a month of radiation. I have to say I'm tired of it all. Its wearing me down a lot. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. And I'm tired of whining. Or what I see as whining. Everyone's journey is so different. I talked to three different women in the last two weeks. 2 with breast cancer and one with a reoccurance of colan cancer. Everyone's situation was so different, but all of them were single. Both of the women with breast cancer are having or had masectamies. The woman with colan cancer was doing chemo three days every two weeks. I am a lucky girl.

Writing done in my evil plan. Ziltch. I could say I was too tired but I just didn't make time for it. Not cool.

Reading: I finished To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Wow. I can't believe I hadn't read it earlier. I've finished listening to: The Husband by Dean Koontz. Very good and so not like Mr. Koontz. I don't really know what I'm listening to now, but its a hostage taking, Russian hooker who bought her way into US slavery and now has the pregnant homicide detective but did have the medical examiner who found her alive in the cold room of the morgue. I'm also reading a compilization of essays on how to write a murder mystery.

Later,
Lynn

You wrote what?

Well, my essay has been selected to be published in the Sept/Oct issue of Grit! I'm soooo excited. Now, I'm doing some thinking about my next submission. Everyone I talk to says," now explain again what your essay is about?" I guess I need to work on my pitch. Ultimately I should be sending out 5 queries a week rather than this 1 a month thing. But as my excuse for most things this summer is, I'm going through chemo. I hate being weak.

I tried to go to a Sisters in Crime meeting in St. Louis last week on a day I was feeling good, but it was just too long and by the time I got home after leaving early, I was dead. It was interesting though and something that I might like to do later when I'm feeling better. Jim was out of town last week and will be this week again. He leaves tonight for Peoria.

So my evil plan for while he's gone is to write. I have two projects going that I would like to get done and a short story setting in my head. Fireflys and porch sitting to start. Jim and I and the dogs went for a walk last night and I only spyed one firefly.

The chemo is going better this time, not so much pain, mostly at night now. My shots are still a pain. I think I'm just freaking about them now. The race for the cure was this weekend and although I signed up, I didn't go. Next year!

I'm kind of all over the board on this post today. Not thinking very clearly at all. Sorry about that. My weight is up, but I'm 2.5 pounds down from yesterday. Can you say water weight? I know I'm gaining some but maybe some of it will go away once I stop Chemo.

Jim wants to go camping next weekend. We'll see. I'm a little nervous that I won't feel well and want to go home or to a motel to sleep. Its a good weekend to try as I should be stronger than I am this weekend.

Later.

Chemo Brain

Well, the new Chemo (Taxol) is deadly. Ok, maybe that's an overstatement but this stuff really is kicking my butt. I started hurting on Thursday afternoon and I think I'm somewhat over it today. I was able to keep working but I didn't do much but sleep and take pain killers at night. So much for cooking healthy dinners and eating right. I felt good about cleaning the bath tub yesterday and doing a load of dishes. (By hand mind you.) Writing is out of the question, although I did finish reading High Heels are Murder by Elaine Viets. Its a mystery shopping series and one I wish I had thought of. It's based in Maplewood where I work but for me, the towns all run together and it all seems like St. Louis, though the "residents" see the difference, I guess.

I keep coming back to Suzie's husband Gard as he was going through the last stages of Pancreatic Cancer. They rented a hospital bed for him as he was sleeping in the recliner rather than the bed. He looked at it and said he couldn't get it that, it would kill him. And that was where he died. Was it his inability to give in to the cancer that made him fight so hard? I couldn't move the mattress up on the bed today after I changed the sheets and Jim had to do it. I felt so helpless and weak. I've been so strong and independent for so long, and now I can't move the freaking mattress! Ok, sorry, I had to fall apart for a moment, pity party about my hair, my weakness, my lack of independence, etc... I guess Sunday is my day to cry.

I bruised myself giving me a shot this session. I don't know if it was yesterday or some other day but I remember it really hurting and now I have a bruise and a mark where the needle went in.

Oh, I'm listening to the Historian by Elizabeth Kostova on my drive. I actually really like it but this book reviewer yesterday at the BEA session really trashed it. I signed up for the NY Times Books Update and realized, I don't read anything on their lists. Of course, I've been focused on mysteries to try to learn the genre right now, but really, some of the things these guys read? Get a life. I partially listened to a presentation on Why we read what we read, a study about our book habits and heard the part where they trashed romance and said it was all about men having power and the more power over the woman he had, the more popular the ending. Do we want men to have power over us, or do we just want to feel safe in a world that challenges us every day in its fears and opportunities. What's wrong with having one place that we don't have to be in charge and taking care of everything? I like having someone to talk over issues with rather than making all the decisions myself without any advise or assistance.

And with that, I'll sign off. My brain is tired and I think I'll lay down for a while.

Slowing down

Well, I got a forced vacation this week. Three days in the hospital while they tried to find out what was making me sick. The answer, they don't know. But, my blood cell count is now good, my blood pressure is back up into the 100/70 range after two days in the 88/60 area after IV fluids, and my heart hasn't been damaged by the chemo.

The good news is I read three books. Finally finished the Janet Evanavich, read Micheal Kahn's BEARING WITNESS, and Susan McBride's second in her dropout debutant series, THE GOOD GIRL'S GUIDE TO MURDER. Honestly, if I had another book when I started the Kahn book, I don't know if I would have finished it. I went five pages before I realized the main character was female. This got me thinking about my WIP, do I have the knowledge or research done to pull off a male small town sherriff in a big town? And speaking of my WIP, do I even have a plot that is a mystery? It's just like when I was writing romance with no happy ending.

I'm also listening to a Kathy Reich book, MONDAY MOURNING, which is good, but after watching Bones on Fox, I realize how much they have changed the character to meet the perceived needs of the television audience. Don't get me wrong, I love watching Bones but the differences are striking. Tempe in Bones is about 20 years younger than in the books. She doesn't work for the Jeffersonal, she works for a Canadian coronor, a North Carolina Coronor and the NC university. She has a daugher (in college). And is dating a Canadian law enforcement person, not dancing around our favorite vampire (Angel). I wonder how the author feels with all the changes to her character. The only thing they really kept is that she is a forensic anthropologist. I hope she got a lot of money.

So Tuesday I do more Chemo, Taxol this time.

I sent off an essay about the old days on the farm to Grit today. I had queried them a couple weekends ago and they shot back a yes on spec answer. So now I've sent off the finished essay. Its like sending off part of yourself to be judged. Well, I've been rejected before. Maybe I'm scared of being accepted!

Well, it is time to start up the laundry for the weekend. Happy Memorial Day to all.

I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill.

Yes, we made an unexpected trip to the real Blueberry Hill from the song last Saturday. It was really fun. The food was amazing, fast and cheap with tons of it. I got the Fish and Chips and I swear, there were at least 6 pieces of fish, battered to a crisp, not greasy. They brought vinigar without me asking and the coleslaw and fries that accompanied the fish were in huge proportions and great! Now the beer is a little pricey, $3.50 for a bottle, but that's what they charge in the downtown areas. (See how I talk about the food first?)

Blueberry Hill is in University City. I guess it's named for Washington University which is right down the street and charges $700+/per credit hour for a graduate writing class that I won't be taking. The bar has many rooms but we were in the dart room where they have held this steel tip tourneyment for the last 35 years. It used to be huge, but it has dwindled a little bit in recent years. There were people there from England as well as the St. Louis regulars.

There is a wall of fame with pictures of the singles winners through out the 35 years. Brad Wethington (sorry Brad, I know I'm butchering your name) has won the men's singles so many times, his pictures on the wall show his growing up from a sweet 20 something (1992) to the more mature man he is now.

Jim played doubles and his darts were great, just not enough to keep up with the competition. They smoked their first opponents then took on Steve Brown (who is also on the wall of fame) and Jim and his partner were unable to get passed them. And steel tip is single elimination. So, after talking for a while, taking in the eclectic nature of the bar, we went home. I'm glad we went even though Jim didn't place as Blueberry Hill is one of the places we wanted to see in St. Louis and Jim realized that his steel tip skills are pretty good!

You can buy dart shirts from Blueberry Hill at www.BlueberryHill.com. And if you are ever in St. Louis, we have to go!

I'm more tired this week than I've been ever. I think the Chemo is sneaking up on me. I had a lot of pain from the shots this week and I am still dealing with that. I'm trying to drink a lot of water and eat at least my five fruits and veggies, but it's hard sometimes. So even though they have a lot of calories, I'm counting my juice!

In the writing realm, I sent off a query to Grit and got a request back to see the essay on spec. I'm pretty jacked about that. I'm planning on finishing it up this weekend and getting it back out on Monday. Wish me luck!

I'm signed up for the Enterprise Team for Race for the Cure. Enterprise is paying for our entry! So hopefully I'll feel strong enough to walk. And I'm suppose to volunteer for the St. Louis Jazz festival in a couple weeks, but I've been assigned to greet and I'm not sure if that's a great idea with my weakened immune system. What is it about me that I can't deal with my limitations? I told Jill yesterday that I'm not sick! I'm just dealing with the results of the treatment to keep me from getting sick! Is that the wrong way to look at it? What do you think?

Listing to TWO DOLLAR BILL by Stuart Woods. Its funny but kind of sexist in a lot of ways and the sex scences seem really fake. Like when the hooker says she F*cked his brains out, and giggles. And he was dating and sleeping with this one girl and the next night he's back with an old girlfriend, with no qualms about the first girl. Maybe men think this way and its just women who think it's fake.

Reading, not much. Way too tired to get anything done. I am still in Janet's Four to Score but at least I can pick it up and put it down without losing track of the story.

Off to jump into the shower. Lots to do this Saturday. Wish me luck.

On my way!

Well, halfway has come and gone and I'm set up for a new drug next Chemo the 22nd. I think its called Taxol. I know it came from the California Yew tree which was almost extinct before they found the use for the tree. Funny how that happens. They tell me this will be less nauseating but I'll be more tired since they give me benedril first. So Jim will have to drive me at least the first time. Last night I got the lecture from his mom and dad because I went to this treatment by myself. They don't get that I need that independence sometime. And maybe I don't get that they want to help.

And, its shot time again!

I started a story about called Miss Emily this week but haven't got very far in it. I was hoping to have it done by the 15th and shoot it over to the Writer's Digest contest, but I guess I'm going to miss that this year too. I guess sometimes I wait too long for inspiration to come and forget that the muse comes while working, not while doing other things, at least for me.

I looked up the information to start working on my MA in Instructional Design. I think for a work degree (not my dream one of a MFA in creative writing) its a good one to have. It will really position me for a lot of jobs in this area at least and will give me a heads up if I go back home to get into the business end of the valley rather than health care. I could teach a lot of things in health care, but they want you to have a nursing degree for all the positions I saw and I don't want to say in business ie finance part. It just drives me crazy that one class is going to cost me almost $1000. So I need 36 hours, $36K to get a degree. Hmmmmm. May have to think about that. I'm going to try to get this set up and hit up my supervisor at my year review and see if work will pay at least some of this fall class. Summer is way out of the question. And I still have to take my GRE (another $130). Lottery, where are you!

In Patricia Cornwall's TRACE on my drive time. This book is interesting as it is more character driven than plot driven. A lot more like how I work with my writing. Here you know who the killer is way before Kay or Lucy do and if they were all just talking to each other, it would be different. Keeping those secrets tend to streatch out the process even though we think we are saving the other person hurt or worry. Reading a lot of cozy's lately has made me wonder a lot about my structure and writing style.

Reading, still in BEAUTIFUL LIES, Lisa Unger. I thought I'd get it done on Chemo day but didn't. And not taking the few minutes at work to stop and read a little on break, trying to make up as much time as possible to keep those checks at a normal pace to get this all behind me so my dream of going back to school can come a little closer.

I do need to find a writing group, even if it just meets once a month to keep me more focused on writing. I tend to get caught up in my every day stuff, and I know, I have enough of it, but I want to write. I want to write better. And if these two statements are true, I should be able to find some time to do what I really want. I find time to do other things!

Its suppose to be a nice weekend. Maybe I'll get my flowers planted. The garden went in last week.

Have a great week everyone!

Almost half way through

Well, I am at least with the Chemo. The treatment I get on Tuesday will be number 4. Of course I ran into a new problem, pain from the shingles hit on Friday night. So Saturday morning after talking to the fellow on call, I got another prescription. As I type, I am hoping it's going to kick in at any time. So this post will probably be pretty short. And a story is trying to come through but I can't sit for any length of time to get it down right now.

Another dart friend from Illinois has passed away this weekend. Mike Bova. He said he was having back problems and died of a heart attack. What more is there to say. Its very sad as he was a very nice man.

I got scared Saturday about my mortality. So I called a friend and just started crying. Jim had said something before I left for the laundry mat about changing jobs and it scared me to. So when I called Nina, all I could do is cry. She was so funny, she offered me a place to stay if I needed to come home for a while but it wasn't even that. There are so many under the surface fears that this diagnosis brings that I don't talk about. But I've gone through a lot already and I know I might have to go through more, but I am strong and can do this. Even if I look like a biker in my scarves.

I watched the news on Friday morning and realized why I don't watch the news around here. Blood, death, guts and gore. There is an awful lot of drug use here. A lot of shootings, stabbings, car accidents. I guess its just fodder for my mysterys. But what I'm finding with the mysterys I've been reading, there is a certain path or formula if you will for the mysterys. Hunt Road doesn't follow these so I'm wondering if I'm writing backstory again? I chucked about four chapters several years ago when I realized I was writing backstory. But maybe my problem is I'm not writing a mystery? It was just like when I was writing my short stories that seemed like romance but didn't have the happy ever after ending. I think I just need to write the story as I see it and then figure out if its marketable as it stands or needs a total rewrite.

There was a huge discussion on Wicked Company this week about the slush pile and how many really good stories get thrown away because the magazine didn't have room for them or the editor just didn't like them. I threw in my 2 cents which came from reading Idaho Review slush and said, really there weren't that many "excellent" stories in the slush pile. Out of the 100s I read that semester, I can only remember two or three that I said, we have to look at this one. Now even with those few, I think only one passed the reviewing board and made it in the book. But a lot of the stories were just bad. Really bad. But we have this one writer who thinks that just isn't true. I think she's dealing with rejection syndrome. Where you think your stories are great and so must every one else's stories that get rejected are great too.

My pain pill is starting to kick in a little so I feel like I can breathe. Can I say this really sucks! Well, it does. I have my prescriptions filled for the next round of Chemo. I need to buy some pudding but I'm full on soups. So here goes.

Reading? I'm not as much but working on S is for Silence, Sue Grafton which is an audio book. Thanks to the person who thought this idea up. It makes the drive so much better! I'm almost done and Kinsey is running from the murderer. Its been fun, lots of red herrings, in fact she had me convinced someone was the villian up until the end. And that's the difference in those mysteries and Hunt Road. I know and the reader knows who the killer is by chapter three, I think. So what am I writing? Why does anyone want to read it?

Other readings? I'm working on Lisa Unger's Beautiful Lies and Janet Evanovich's Four to Score. Not having to go to the hospital for shots for seven days after chemo has cut into my reading time. When I'm home and awake, I feel like I should be doing something or talking to Jim.

Well, I think I'm done with the pity party and since the pill has loosened up my arm, I think I will try to get Miss Emily's story started today.

So, how are you doing?

How many times have I been asked that question lately? Maybe as often as, "So, you are still working?" Having a breast cancer diagnosis seems to go with a lot of fear, not only for me but my family, friends, and just the general public. I did learn at the Susan Koman walk presentation that a history of prostrate cancer in your family (my dad) can indicate breast cancer later. Humm, I wonder if that will pass from me to my son as a genedic disposition for breast cancer or prostrate? Another worry floating around in my head.

But my answer to the topic? I'm doing well. A lot of fatigue, but really doing well as much as I could expect or even better. I was a little weepy at my doctor's visit this week before Chemo and he had the heart to heart about how this is the hardest thing I have ever done and it's not an easy journey. And that is what it is, a journey. I've always seen life as terms of destination. When I ever get promoted and we have more money, life will be good. When my lazy ex husband decides to be better and get a job, life will be good. When I graduate from high school and move out of my crazy home provided by my mom and step father and Black Daniels, life will be good. But even with all the counseling and self help books and living through grief with the loss of a baby and the loss of a dream of a marriage, I don't think I've ever really just relaxed and enjoyed the journey.

I have lived a dream life for so long, in my dreams, not in my real life, am I ever going to be able to bring those dreams out into the waking world and focus into being happy now? And if I just worry about now, am I giving up future dreams? My sister was so focused on what she wanted to be when she grew up and she did it. She's my role model. First finding the job, then the associates, the bachelors and finally reaching what I've been striving for yet putting off for the men in my life for years, a masters degree. Hers is in nursing but I still haven't narrowed my focus down enough to describe it, let alone find it. I want to be in organizational design. Team building, mentoring, coaching, advising, training and writing.

Eyes bigger than my stomach? I don't know. I just know that Enterprise has been wonderful to me during this phase of my journey. I don't think I'm using my talents in the most productive way but I don't have a lot of work pressures or demands on me right now so a day off for Chemo won't hurt someone or damage my position.

Reading: Not much but I finished a Tami Hoag CD Bad Acts that was excellent. Very detailed lots of red herrings, lots of gore. Started a Susan Grafton CD yesterday. Last night I had mystery nightmares, being killed, abducted, etc. Maybe I should lighten my reading a bit!

I did read the first book in the Debutante Dropout Mystery series Blue Blood by Susan McBride, a St. Louis writer. Actually very good. A fun, fast read. 4 hours (I needed a magazine to finish my Chemo tuesday and I had just started it that morning.)

Well, later. Jeani, I'll answer your question off line.

The last week...

Well, its been quite a week. I thought I was going to have that feel good week in between chemos but it wasn't to be. I started getting sick on Monday and they had me calling in and taking my temp at home. Tuesday we started taking blood and I stayed home from work and worried. Tuesday night I noticed a raised spot on my back that iched like heck. When I called in, they put me on a medicine for shingles (also genital herpes according to the label :) ). When I went in for my shots on Wednesday, they took more blood, looked at my sore, and called it all into the doctor who had been threatening to put me in the hospital for IV antibiotics if my fever continued.
Well, everything started to calm down and by yesterday, I was feeling a lot better and my nurse told me that my wednesday blood counts were already going up from Tuesdays. I guess they look at giving you transfusions when they get too low. More news to me. My nurse coordinator thinks my counts will be back up to normal by Tuesday when I'm scheduled for Chemo. If not, they will put it off a week, which will really suck since I have things scheduled based on my Tuesday chemo days.

We threw darts Wednesday and I just wore my hat. People were so nice but I felt like a dork. How come guys can have no hair and we still think they look good, but girls need that hair to even come close?

What have I been reading? Sliver of Truth, Lisa Unger. Wow, this was a ride from the first moment I opened the book. I guess its a continuation from her first, Beautiful Lies which now I have to read. Her protaganist is funny and accessable, yet not predictable. She does a lot of the dumb naive things I could see myself doing if I was even close to being in a situation like hers. And, like my family, secrets abound and people disappoint you.

I just started Staying Home is a Killer by Sara Rosett. Fun read. Easy to pick up before doctor appointments and while I'm waiting without losing my place in the story.

The really kind nurse in the weekend cancer clinic at Barnes Jewish gave me the Susan McBride books in the Deutante Dropout Series. Susan is a St. Louis writer, my new home, and we were talking about the different writers who live in the area. Miss nurse, sorry, I don't know her name, said she met her at a book fair and was given the first book, so she had to go buy the other two. Marketing did work in this case. I'm probably going to start Blue Blood next.

Bad Hair Day

Ok, that's an understatement! It is coming out. By the handfuls. And I know its normal, but still it is driving me crazy. Two days ago at work, everyone thought I had gotten a hair cut it was so short, but no, just falling out. I will have to wear the wig on Monday so I'm glad I went and got it last week.

On other cancer news, the chemo seems to be not as bad this time for my stomach, but I'm a lot more tired and worn out. I'm still doing shots at the hospital but I got my grant approved and I should do them at home next round.

Yea!

To finish my post, I took a few hours (ok, days) off in between. But SEE ABOVE! Today is the first day I'm trying out my wig at work so I'm like going to high school for the first time. Its trying on all those clothes you thought looked sharp in the mall and now having nothing to wear on THE-MOST-IMPORTANT-DAY-OF-YOUR-LIFE feeling. ( I learned that technique in Non fiction class over at BSU, impressed, huh!)

Alex called yesterday (my son) and I just cried. Not because of anything, I just miss him so much. I'm not 7 hours away now, I'm two days away from him if I got a wide hair and started driving.

As far as writing, I went on a four day roll at the first of the month and haven't touched a word since. I know, I have a few things on my mind, but you would think this would be the time to get writing, about those fears, the tests, the other people? I met a man at my last shot who said he went to shave, put the shaving cream on, and half his beard came off with the cream. Sad huh.

Well, if anyone has any hats they want to send my way, I'd love to get some. I have a skull cap thing and a baseball cap and my wig. I'm going to have to go shopping this weekend for some turbans.

Here's to good hair days for the rest of you.

MIA

Well, I know I haven't posted but I have a couple good excuses. Mostly, my computer has been down and it seems like we are sharing an internet connection rather than it working like it is suppose to where we both can get on. So I've been borrowing computer time from Jim and then checking email, etc at work. It's funny how much you have stored in your own computer and how much of a pain it is to change up.

So where was I when I last posted. March 14th. I probably was still in the throws of the metatisis scare. The bump on my shoulder blade that looked like it was neck rather than in the breast cancer line of fire. Well, I re did a CT scan, thinking NO CANCER. NO CANCER. all the time. And it has come back that it is still localized. Thank God, big sigh of relief.

Its funny, I was waiting for my first oncology appointment looking at hats and wigs catalog feeling sorry for myself that I was going to lose my hair but when I thought I was going to lose my life, my hair didn't seem to be that big of thing. Now that I've had my first Chemo and second is the upcoming Tuesday, I'm worried about my hair again. I ordered a wig but now I'm concerned that the insurance will not cover it even though the care coordinator I talked to said they would.

Chemo makes me nauseous (but no vomiting this round) and very tired for days after. Then I get shots that make my back hurt, nauseous, and have diarrea. As far as eating, I now know the definition and execution of emotional eating. I eat to feel better, to feel normal, because I can, and lastly, because I need to. But mostly I eat. Cookies, candy, soda, anything that "comforts" me, especially mashed potatos. I am an Idaho girl! But one round of eight is done and only 7 more to go.

I am still fighting for co pay assistance to allow me to get the shots delivered at home so I give them myself rather than go to the hospital every day for seven days after the Chemo. My co pay for the drug is $514 up to $1500 max out of pocket. This is why you are told to save for a rainy day cuz its pouring around here. I guess there is no good time to get cancer, but this is probably the worst time financially for us. I did work full time this week for the first time since I got back, but next week, I know I'll lose at least a day due to the Chemo. I should be counting my blessings that I am able to work and that my insurance is as good as it is, which I am thankful for. I am doing some mystery shops on Monday to try to bring a little more funds into the household, but I wonder if I'm just setting myself up to fail again. I 'd like to find a little publication here like at home where I could write a monthly article for and get paid for it. Need to do some more research.

Speaking of writing which is what this blog is suppose to be about, I wrote in my novel twice this week. So, I need to get off here and make it three days which is amazing. I haven't written this much since I was taking classes.

Be good to each other and live happy.

Planning for life

I got thinking this am since I couldn't sleep, the doctors messed with my mind yesterday again, Who's in control, the cancer or me? But I digress. So anyway, I got thinking about how my life revolves around planning. Planning when to go to darts, my doctor appointments, my work schedule, what I want to do in the future (whatever length of time that is) but planning. I loved my Franklin when I first got it. Planning and scheduling gave me control over something in my life and since I was married to the sadist, it was about the only thing I had control over. Planning gives me comfort. I may not be the best at it and following through on my plans, especially the writing ones seems to be my downfall. Maybe that's my strength, planning.

I go back to work on Friday which will be a blessing. Being broke and unable to do anything has really dragged me down. I feel like I'm struggling to breathe sometimes. I have a stack of books to read and have the television on the country music station so I'm feeling pretty happy at least on the surface. I have the blinds open and there is sunshine streaming through the windows which always helps lighten the mood.

So what things are important for me to get done? When I'm old and sitting on the front porch in my rocker with a basket next to me filled with my regrets of things I haven't done, what will be in the basket? (I haven't done this imaging lately but it seems to work for me to focus me on what I want at least in the short term.)

I want to ***
go to Hawaii.
have a Masters.
finish a novel (writing it that is)
see my grandchildren.
visit Seattle again.
go to South Carolina or Georgia to see the plantations.
visit New Orleans.
go to Disney world.
leave the country. (Canada, Mexico, Europe, Russia, Eygpt?)


Looks like travel is in my future!

Another day, another doctor appointment.

Well, I've been to St. Louis twice this week for doctor appointments. Wednesday for a bone scan and CT scan and today for my radiologist oncologist. Good news on both parts, my scans came back clean so there is no metasisize cancer anywhere else that they can see. And, I don't have to have radiation until July/August after Chemo.

They did find a new lymph node thats all swollen, but hopefully its just reacting to the surgery. I'm tired so I think I'll go lay down for a while. Its been like that lately, having enough energy for about 4-6 hours but then dragging.

It's been a good day!

One week later

Well, my surgery was a week ago on Wednesday and I'm still feeling beat up and flying a little high on the pain meds, so bear with me. My keyboard sticks on this computer, the new one that came with the Dell I just bought got the cord chewed up by Homer, the amazing chewing Pommy that Jim just had to keep but is my dog now. Maybe when I get back to work I'll get a wireless keyboard and mouse combo. See, I'm always dreaming.

I don't really remember where I left the blog off. I know I told you all about the second set of mamograms but maybe not about the biopsies and the fact that it came back as "a small cancer" on my left side as well as cancer in my lymph nodes on the left and "atypical" cells on the calcifications on the right. So we did lumpectomies on both sides and took out several lymph nodes on the left. Tomorrow I get to find out if the margins were clear or not and if the cancer is hormone based which means I'll be on another medicine for five years in addition to the Chemo and Radiation. Its a little overwhelming sometimes but everyone (except one person) has been very positive and upbeat when talking to me and that really helps. It's just like when I was training and I'd get 100 great evaluations but focus on that one that said I didn't make any sense at all and I should never train again. Is this human nature? Or just my environmental learning cues that came from my childhood?

I'm getting better at saying I have breast cancer without falling apart right afterwards. I haven't even gone down the road of research to see what's happening next. Its been very overwhelming (I'm sure I'll use that word more than a few times) but I want to stay positive and try not to worry myself about things that are out of my control. I'd like to say its given me loads more to write about but my creative well is tired right now and my muse seems to get higher on the pain meds than I do. I know, the world is full of excuses.

But for now, that's where I am. Work sent me this awesome plant and I've gotten cards from lots of old friends and a get well package from a dart friend which were all total blessings. I've gotten a little money from several friends which has helped more than I will admit. Between parking at the hospital, the gas to St. Louis, and the co pays on the medicine, I would have been unable to get through without this help. I guess this is the time that I need to understand that gifts are not a sign of my weakness but a sign of strenght that I'm able to ask for help when I need it. I've taken care of myself for so long (and others) that admitting I can't take care of myself and everything that surrounds me is so hard. Maybe this is the lesson I need to learn?

Well, now I'm crying, (big baby) so I'm going to end this and park myself in front of the tv for a while. Kiss the ones you love and call the ones you can't reach. Its important, believe me.

Goal # !- Get Healthy, Right.

Well, its been an interesting two weeks. Trying to get all the "must do" appointments out of the way, like my mammogram, and I run into more problems. I've said that if I thought there was a problem, I wouldn't have done the mamo in the first place. Ok, I know my logic is messed up.

So, I had the second screening mamo appointment. Note to reception staff, it doesn't make the patient feel any better when you look at the tests scheduled and say, "Oh my, your having a bilateral mamo something or other (Ok, not an exact quote)" and look at her with worried eyes. After disrobing from the waist up and putting on one of the pretty peptobismal pink robes, that tye in the front but always feel like you are falling out, special patients like me get to go to the second waiting room where they are closer to the mamogram, ultrasound, and biopsy machines. I think I should invent a robe with a built in bra shelf so patients doen't feel like they are haning out there and at least the breasts get a little support.

After waiting an hour, which I think is payback since my first mamo was so quick and I got right in to the technician, I am finally taken back for the multiple squeezing and flattening process. Now this tech thought I knew what they were looking for but really didn't fill me in at all. I went back to the waiting room and after another 30 minutes, was taken back for more views of the left breast. During this, the same tech asked if I had had an ultrasound on that breast yet. I of course said no, gently crying during this process, and she sent me back out to wait some more.

Now Jim had coached me to understand that there was nothing wrong, that maybe they had even done the test wrong the first time and they were just being careful. OF course this was not the case, so I called him to vent, but then I was called back to do the ultra sound.

The male intern (think Grays Anatomy) was very informative and very inclusive, talking about what he was doing and that his resident would also want to look at the results. They took pictures of the tumor and of the lymph node that was swollen as well. During this time, he explained that I would need a biopsy of both the left breast tumor and the lymph node. I didn't realize I would also need a biopsy of the calcifications in the right breast. But that's what Mary Ellen, the nurse who made the appointment for me explained later. All in all, this second appointment took 3 hours.

The biopsy was scheduled for Thursday (2/1) and I went back to work to try to sort all this out in my head. So writing has taken a back seat to worry, and now I worry about financial and medical stuff, lucky me.

I keep thinking of Kathy Kelly who died when I worked for Health and Welfare of ovarian cancer. She kept going to doctors who didn't find anything wrong until it was too late. I took over her AFDC caseload when she went on medical leave. She worked up until the last days and then never had time or money to do the things she wanted. I don't want to be like that. How do you prioritize the important things in your life with the must do things? So right now I watch a lot of television. Denial is a good thing.

I will write about the biopsy later, but right now I'm tired of the subject. I'll let you know that my results should be back Tuesday and I have an appointment scheduled with the surgeon on Thursday.

Later.

January Blues

Well, I wrote a lot at the end of December but nothing since then. I hate writing down my goals because then I look at why I'm not following through. So, losing weight, no. Writing daily, no. Sending out projects, no.

I did go to my Rheumatologist, but didn't do the lab work. So I'll have to move that followup appointment. I got my bone scan and mammogram, but the mammogram came back bad so I go back in Monday. I'm trying not to stress but you know me.

Financially we are a wreak but maybe it will be better now.

Well darts are calling, gotta go.

Happy New Year!

It is with great joy and fear that I look to this next year. Having made such drastic changes to my life in 300+, I wonder what 2007 will bring. I have been thinking a lot about my goals and dreams for this year and have waxed poeticly about them in a list of SMART (I hope) goals at work. But I really want to focus on two.

1- Be healthier at the end of 2007 than I am in the beginning. Steps to include limiting worry, losing weight (at least 20 pounds this year), exercising 3-5 times weekly, limiting alcohol and sweets, and eating healthy foods, like fruits and veggies 3-5 day and 3 servings of dairy a day.

and 2-Write more! I have set up a writers notebook with a calendar and writing opportunities listed on each month. I have joined the Open Doors newsletter staff at work and had one article published. I think this will teach me more about real journalism processes. I have drafted a children's mystery story for the Highlights contest due this month. And I will pick one novel I've started to finish this year. I think it will be Hunt Road, the story of Greg, an amature slueth and reluctant medium who follows the trail of a murderous wife beater to solve the death of a local drunk, who has no one else to stand up for him, finding love along the way. Ok, so my hook needs a little more work. Like why does anyone care?

The other project I will finish within the next three months (see a deadline, I can set them, I just have problems with the execution), is a story for True Confessions. I think using some of my experiences from my real life, like the time I lived with the child molester who controlled my life for a year, should be able to give me some writing fodder for this gendre. You would think with the number of these I read during my childhood, they should be easy to write!

Anyway, those are my focus goals. Of course, I set getting my budget under control (not totally in my court), increasing my pay at work and getting a promotion?, and a few others as well. But I will be happy to follow the path set for me above.

And now, I need to go exercise. Hope your day is filled with exciting planning and careful execution.

Christmas Eve

I'm enjoying my long weekend, I go back to work on Tuesday, Jim Wednesday. Boy is his check going to be small this time. But I got in most of my overtime, so I should be ok. I've been sitting here planning dart tournaments. That is really focusing our lives right now. There's work and darts, with his folks sprinkled in there. I'm concerned about money but as usual, Jim says don't worry.

I haven't been really writing for a while. I'm so tired after working 9 hours and driving 2, that if it's not a dart night, I'm usually dead in front of the tv as soon as I get home. I'm going to start working out three days a week to see if that helps any. I have my first RA dr appointment next month so I think, or I should say, I hope, she can help me out of this weariness.

I'm reading a book one of the Wicked's sent me called Double Dutch? I think, my bag is in the car so I'll have to get it out. Its not bad, sometimes the wording is a little academic and the main character is a woman, but is written by a man. And you can tell. Funny, my one mystery I have floating in my head more than written down is with a POV of a man, a medium type that doesn't always like what he's been given. Maybe I should think about writing him. Men have always been a mystery to me, look at my love life. Can I write one convincingly?

The other Christmas surprise I got was a book by Ann Parker, Iron Ties. I must have entered a drawing cuz it just showed up with the author signing the book and everything. It looks good, maybe I'll get into it this weekend, or next, we have two where darts are not a priority but the apartment is screaming that it needs to be cleaned and I swore I'd send Alex some cookies.

I wonder if there is a magic pill that will give me the energy to get the must do's done and the want to do's started. Am I letting the urgent take over the important? God I wished I had thought of that. When do I find time to go back to school? To write? To see the art gallery Reinesance collection?

Merry Christmas to all.

Happy Holidays

I thought I had saved my holiday letter and was going to post it here, but no luck. I'm feeling overwhelmed lately and not doing well in getting things done. So since I have a few minutes from my break at work I thought I'd add a few lines here.

We are in first on Sunday night darts. Jim took first in league for ADA. And we've started a new league on Wednesdays where we play with another couple. I shot like crap last night but great the first night. There has been a lot of rain and I think that affects me more than I would like to admit. Jim plays now on Thursdays too and will be replacing his Tuesday night league with a Monday night one. So we are still too busy. It's tournament season however, so that means we need to be on our game. Jim has taken home money (after beer and quarters) two weekends in the last month. Lets hope that continues.

Holiday cards are out, gifts sent and only two more to worry about. There was no tree this year, no room, no time. But next year I am going to go all out and really enjoy the season. Of course I say that every year. I did get into the food drive for the local families, so that helped. That reminds me, I wonder what our "winnings" are. They have had three raffles this season for gifts and I didn't win anything in any of them. But one girl who carols with me, she won something in all of them.

Here's to a happy holiday season and a blessed new year. I've been thinking about what my 2007 goals are going to be so I think that will be my next post. Merry Christmas!

I hate it when I do that.

So, about my conviction to win NANO. I don't think its going to happen. Of course, it still could, I have hope, but I started writing last weekend, then stopped. Now I'm on another computer, don't ask, and don't have even the start on this one to add to.

I have four tests to study for Tuesday. Incentives, LTT, Business Management, and Interpersonal Skills. Do you know how many classes, tests, I've taken to tell me what type I am and how to deal with others?

This new one DISC, put me as a Dominant. Which doesn't surprise me. I'm in a new job, a new industry for that matter, and I'm reverting to my original type. Get the work done, show everyone I'm worthy, and focus on tasks. And I wonder why people think I'm cold. lol

Dart season is starting hard and heavy here. We have tournaments scheduled at least one a month until after Memorial Day. It will be interesting to see how we do. I am very happy we are in Playmor. I guess that is the only "league" I'm playing, really. I've substituted for the Wednesday night one, but this is the one that I'm truely involved in.

Well, gotta go and study. I'll let you know how they go.