Just checking in

I've been a bit freaked lately. I have my mammogram next week. It's been a year almost to the day when I found out that I had breast cancer. So I'll be glad when this week is over and my tests come back clean. We've also been fighting with the budget lately since Jim didn't get his bonus check yet from when he was on layoff. But things seem to be getting better.

My writing is still stalled. I just don't know how to get started and then how to sustain. But I am thinking about writing and I'm doing a lot of reading.

I'm trying to do weight watchers. So we'll see if I can lose some of this weight I've been putting on. I walked on Saturday and then again today. And I went and washed my car today. So I'm trying to be more active.

Reading: Just fininshed, Princess Academy, Shannon Hale. Loved it. Also just finished Sleeping Murder by Agitha Christie.

Writing goals: Finish Hannah by end of February. Write/enter essay for E. Bombeck's contest. I read all her books when I was a kid. and write Matt and the Kangaroo for the Highlights contest. Good news it's only 800 words. Bad news, I have to have it in the mail by Thursday.

Happy New Year 2008

It's a good day. I need to start seeing the good in every day. I worry so much anymore. I wish this was one thing I could get away from. But it's one day at a time I guess.

I've been avoiding my goals. I'm working on the Senior stuff but I put off talking to the other supevisors (fear) but now I've scheduled time with all of them, talked to two, and should be ready to write my letter of intent as well as my leadership accomplishment list on Wednesday for Angie to review and then off to Jason. I'm taking Friday off so it's a four day week for me. :)

I think I do have to get serious about me and my upkeep. That includes working out, eating right and taking care of things like eyebrow duty. I'm going to dye my hair (which is about 3/4 of an inch long now, thanks for asking) today. I invested in some good career clothes that I do like and now I need to look at some boots that are a little more stylish but yet comfortable. I think I can find a casual yet put together style that really fits me. Even at this higher weight.

Writing has been slow lately but I wrote up a ghost story for Fate just need to edit and find a picture of me to send it off with. The pays kind of small but if it gets accepted it's another credit. Other than that, no writing at all.

Reading: Just finished Knit One, Kill Two by Maggie Sefton. I really like her Kelly Flynn series. I read one of her's last month too, A Deadly Yarn. I can learn a lot by disecting her books and seeing how she works the story through the characters eyes. I've been very happy with the books.

Also reading Dating is Murder by Harley Jane Kozak. I'm having trouble getting into it. The names are totally throwing me as they are all German or something, the story just had this hidden edge to it like it knows a life I don't know at all. Now, don't get me wrong, I like being brought into a world that is different than mine, but it feels like everyone's talking English but the words all have different meanings.

So different than the Sefton books. I felt like I could be Kelly, if I had gone the Accounting Degree rather than Poly Sci. I think next I'll read the Elizabeth George that my work friend Sarah gave me. Mysteries are so different from each other.

Christmas Day

Wow, two posts in two days. See I do write when I'm stressed. Actually I was looking for the date that Jim quit his job last year and thought it might be in my blog, but no luck. So what I thought I'd comment on was my two new years resolutions for 2007 and see how I did.

1- Be healthier at the end of 2007 than I am in the beginning. Steps to include limiting worry, losing weight (at least 20 pounds this year), exercising 3-5 times weekly, limiting alcohol and sweets, and eating healthy foods, like fruits and veggies 3-5 day and 3 servings of dairy a day.

Well, I am healthier. The cancer is gone ( I hope) and I am feeling stronger by the day. I didn't realize how much chemo and radiation took out of me. So this goal of losing 20 pounds needs to be uped to 40 and put back on the list for 2008.

and 2-Write more! I have set up a writers notebook with a calendar and writing opportunities listed on each month. I have joined the Open Doors newsletter staff at work and had one article published. I think this will teach me more about real journalism processes. I have drafted a children's mystery story for the Highlights contest due this month. And I will pick one novel I've started to finish this year.

I had forgotten the reason I set up the notebook. I used it so much for doctor appointments and keeping myself on track with medications. But I had three Open Doors articles published and was asked to be co-editor for 2008.

I had one essay published in Grit. And I have one in the final consideration stage for a Chicken Soup book.

I mentioned I sent three chapters of a middle school book to Highlights for their scholorship contest and maybe I'll get the mystery story written for next month.

Finishing a novel, nope. But I have four good chapters and a theme/plot for my romance. Hunt Road is still just sitting there. And of course I started a new one based in Cambia which I actually wrote in yesterday.

The other project I will finish within the next three months (see a deadline, I can set them, I just have problems with the execution), is a story for True Confessions.

This one is still in my brain but not on paper or sent off. Funny I've been thinking about doing this for years. Just can't get it on paper.

Anyway, those are my focus goals. Of course, I set getting my budget under control (not totally in my court), increasing my pay at work and getting a promotion?

I have a pretty good budgeting system going. This month is a little off due to Christmas. Jim's on layoff so until he gets his first unemployment check I'll be a little freaky. I got a lot of tests completed (have three left), took the truck course and now am working on Senior. So I jumped my pay 5k in a year and a half.

So I think even with the breast cancer, I did pretty good on my focus goals for 2007. Now to reevaluate 2008. I know I want to write more and submit what I write. I made under $200 for writing in 2007, this year I want to make it four figures.

I want to get back in my health in 2008. Lose weight, start exercising, build muscle back.

As far as work, I want to make senior in the first quarter and have a promotion by the end of the year.

But I will be adding to those focus goals as I rethink them in the next week.

What are you doing for the next year?

Christmas Eve

Well two days of my Christmas Holiday are gone already. Today seems to be packed with to do's as well. Jim's still not finished with his shopping. I have to make a salad for tomorrow. No desserts as everyone is on a diet. Maybe I'll make some cookies to send off to Alex.

I'm not writing. I'm dreaming a lot but not writing. It's like I sit down and all the ideas that I've had over the week just fall out of my head only to return while I'm driving the hour into work. I'm thinking about trying the switch to 4 10's. It would save me almost $50 a month in gas and a full day in driving a month. I wonder if I would be less tired and more available to write on Friday's.

JIm is on lay off until the first week of March. This should be interesting.


We have two upcoming dart weekends one in January in Sullivan MO and one in Springfield IL in February. Both should be fun and we should be able to win at least enough money to pay for the weekends. I'm hoping.

Friday night darts is really fun as I get to play with Jim every game. He's working with me on some of my strategy issues and I think it's helping, especially with my 01 game. We will play mixed cricket in February so we'll see what I've learned.

Merry Christmas to all.

Update from the cold

So, I sent off my Thanksgiving essay to an online contest. Didn't win. But I have one more essay done for possible submission later. I finished three chapters of my children's novel, Hannah Rides the Pony Express and sent it off with a scholarship application for the Highlights Convention next summer. Then I let someone from work read it. I was nervous about the comments but they were good. And then she said something else.

"I know you know how she travels in time and it was very effective when I read it, and I don't want you to tell me, but it got me thinking how is she going to get back."

Now as much as I loved the comment about Hannah's move to the 1860's was effective and believable, it got me worried since I don't have this whole story in my head and frankly I'm not quite sure how she gets back. But this friend thought I did. Am I starting writing too soon before I plot out the story? Do I let my characters tell their own story too frequently? All I know is after we talked, I was excited to get back to Hannah in Martha's cabin and finish the story so I can find out how she finally gets back to her families vacation to Utah.

So it's the first week of December and I have a four day weekend at Christmas. Yea! We have darts this weekend and then I think we are done with darts except league until the first of the year when the traveling season starts. And it doesn't end until May!

So if I'm going to write at all today, I better get going.
Later

Happy Thanksgiving

Ok, I'm very sad about Thanksgiving, we ate out, at a buffet, a really bad buffet and I got no turkey or ham. But in the middle of this sadness, I realized how lucky I was. Because I wasn't the elderly man sitting by himself eating his very bad Thanksgiving buffet by himself. All dressed up but no one to share his meal with. If it had been just Jim and I, we would have taken this loney man under our wing and invited him to our table. Jim's folks would have had a fit if we had invited him to the table with the 7 of us. So even during the 3rd worst Thanksgiving dinner of my life, I had something to be thankful for.

I am a relationship junkie. Having that special someone sitting next to you, being able to laugh that the coffee was the best part of the meal, and then sitting together on the couch watching television, that's my idea of heaven. And that being said, maybe my Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I had thought.

Lynn

Fall colors

Well the temperature finally dropped and the trees are changing their colors and losing leaves quickly. We went from 60-70 degree days to 40-50 and frosting nights. But it's nice to have three seasons at least, I don't really know about their winters here yet.

My training for work went fine. It was fun working with the projector and the wireless mouse for the powerpoint. I had a lazer pointer available, but during practice I was shaking so much I didn't think it was a good idea. And I was chosen for the Diversity Team which will get me a whole bunch of writing and newsletter experience. So that's where my year looks like it's going. I'm probably not applying for Senior in January, Jason doesn't think I'm ready unless I do a few more projects to get me in the "leadership" mode. And the examiners thought they were being pushed at IDHW.

Writing has been slow, but I signed up for NANO so I'm hiding from that. I am trying to work out a deal to do job descriptions for a recruiting company but that's a while away it looks. I have started a story about Hannah and the Pony Express, but I get a great start at things and then just peter away. Hum, what does that tell me about myself. Scared of success? Probably.

Darts are coming back. My cricket game is getting better and better and I'm doing quite a few tons lately. Haven't had a busting night for a few weeks, knock on wood.

Now I just need to relax and start working out again. Eat healthy and work out 4-5 times a week. That should drop some of this weight soon.

Later.

Fall Cleaning

Well, my birthday has come and gone with little trepidation this year. Have to say I'm glad I'm 47, the alternative didn't look so good. I've had a few issues to deal with this year but I'm healing up from the radiation and starting to feel stronger from the chemo, but now I have to go have three teeth pulled. I'm suppose to have four but my insurance only covers a $1000 a year and I think financially, I'll keep that one wisdom tooth until it decides to give me trouble or at least until my insurance year changes. I got the hospital bill part for the radiation last week. $42k. Thank God for insurance. I can't even imaging the emotional toll this would take on me without it. I'm still struggling financially due to the co payments and such but it's a drop in the bucket compared to what it could be and I'm seeing a light a the end of the tunnel.

Work is fine as usual. Nothing big going on. Well, I guess that's wrong. I'm doing a training for the whole NVA group on 11-1 on the 15 cent certification tests. With this training under my belt, I'll be able to apply for senior in January and then I'll be at the top except for supervisor for my team. So then on to other challenges.

Writing. I rewrote or retyped the first four chapters of my romance novel that is tenatively called Paris or Bust. Its the story of Sandra who's recently divorced, had been seeing a married man (Tom) and meets Chance through a singles ad she posts. Their trials start when her work (and Tom works with her) starts to drive a wedge between them and she is faced with the choice of moving up in her company or a more laid back life with Chance. Or is it that simple? Do women have to choose between the men in their lives or a truely successful career. Or is a successful life focused on a career that you work to live rather than live to work? We'll see what Sandra decides.

I've started a murder mystery based in Cambria, Ca. It's the story of an amature PI who finds her friend dead of apparently natural causes. After all Miss Emily is pushing 80. But Jill thinks things are looking a little fishy and goes off to discover that the small town mayor and his council are doing more for Cambria's future than just keeping the small town a tourist trap. And while she's looking, she finds plenty of other possible suspects in Miss Emily's past, a past she kept hidden for more than 30 years. Jill is trying to finalize Miss Emily's will, keep her own business going, and deal with the mysterious nephew who has popped into the picture, looking for his piece of the pie.

So between that and trying to figure out a budget to get all these bills paid, that's my life. What's going on with you?

Busy busy busy

Ok, that's a lie. How about tired, tired, tired? I have one more radiation treatment and my skin has broken so now I am tired and hurt. But this too shall end and after next week, it's all healing from here.

Oh, and getting teeth pulled next month. Boo Hiss, but maybe I'll start feeling better in November.

No writing going on but one of my essays is under consideration for a chicken soup book. I'm pretty excited. I've had the same writing goals all month with no progress. But as a good excuse, I am tired and on lot of pain meds. Maybe next month will be better.

Jim's been out of town and I went to visit him last weekend. It was a blast in Peoria. We hit the Octoberfest on the River front, saw the River Barge dock on the shore, and walked the shore of the Illinois river looking for sea shells, which we found. Ate out at Cheddars (excellent) and had breakfast at Perkins (which I totally miss out here. But they don't heat their maple syrup! ) God, I'm missing Idaho.

He's back for the weekend so I'm sure we will be busy this weekend getting lots of stuff done, but for right now, it's nice having him on the computer in the other room. Didn't a couple just get divorced because they were on line chatting each other up without knowing the other one was their spouse? The new marriage. Two people, two computers.

Dart Season is upon us

So we had the first of the season of tourneyments yesterday. I drew a big dog but we were still out in three. Jim took 6th which he was happy with and got him more points. Then we drove into St. Louis and played in a second tourneyment which was fun and again, out in three but I shot a lot better. So maybe my darts are coming back a little. Some girl was hitting on Jim to make her old man jealous and of course I got into the game. I hate it when I react instead of thinking things through. So I cried all the way home. I know the only thing I can control is my reaction, so why aren't I controlling that!

So today is rest up and get ready for the week to begin again. I started thinking about a new short story, wrote a page then wondered where the story was going so stopped. I think I'm good with scenes not stories. :)

Countdown continues

I'm a 1/3rd of the way last Friday. So by this friday I'll be 1/2 way done. The radiation makes me tired. I can feel it after I leave and driving home. But I did some dishes last night and made dinner, and even stayed up to 9:30, a new record!

Labor Day weekend was kind of boring, I should have called home but forgot. And Labor Day I spent in bed, reading and watching TV. We went to Harrahs on Sunday and spent way too much money but had fun and we don't go a lot so I guess it's ok. I'm just trying so hard to pay off these old bills and hospital bills so that we can start saving for a house. I really miss having my own home. Once they do get paid off though we should be able to sock away quite a bit. I dreamed I was buying savings bonds last night. When I worked for DHW, I bought bonds but they got spent down during the divorce. So I guess I'm subconsciously thinking I should be saving more.


I finished the truck book and sent in my final test. I have some wiggle room so I don't have to get a 90 but that would be nice. I got my raise, 4%. I guess that's good. Over a year, I've gotten 13% total with all the test raises. But I only have 3 tests left I can take. I guess I'll really have to push for senior.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in this am and get some thoughts down. Writing, none, since the short story. Reading, finished Mary Higgins Clarkes newest, I've heard that song. and Night of the living Deb by Susan McBride. Started an older Iris Jonhonst (I'm really butchering her name).

One week done, five to go.

I read somewhere that a cancer patient's life is based around treatments. How many weeks done, where they are in the cycle. I'm finding that to be very true. I am trying to focus on other parts of my life, but the cancer part keeps taking center stage. And I know its short term. But its overwhelming sometimes. I feel like running away (my usual response to danger) and giving up everything I have. Which is not a good sign. Maybe I need to schedule a mental health checkup? I've done so well, maybe not falling apart is a bad sign. Anyway, I am one week and 1 day into this process. I feel ok but tired. I want to do so much and I feel like I'm in stall mode.

Well, I finally passed my review of smart goals for work and now I get a raise, but I don't know how much only that it will go back to July 18th. Next week I'll probably start training the new girl to take on Texas which will lower my stress level totally. I am finished with Chapter 9 of the truck book and only one more chapter to go and I'll get a $500 bonus! That is if I don't blow the next two tests. I have a 94% average over the test so I have a little bit of wiggle room. But I'll be honest and say I'll be glad when it's done.

We bought a new digital camera yesterday. Jim's been playing with it but he wants to go to the Red's game and use it to take pictures of his favorate players. I think it will be fun to go. I'll need to scrounge up some tickets. We went once this year and saw the Reds play and it was really fun. Peanuts and beer. This time I'm getting a t-shirt!

I have my short story edited and ready to go next week. Now to pick a new project.

Have a great week.
Lynn

Radiation and writing

You would think that those two things are so far off the table, but they're not. Anyway. I started radation on Friday. 4 pm which means I have to be at work at 7 and then off by 3:30. I've been swamped at work and unable to catch up this month. So no overtime for me for the next 6 weeks. It's not so bad but a little scary, watching the machine round around you and knowing that radiation, which is suppose to be a bad thing, is going through your body every time you hear a beep. I wonder if they aren't just testing human's for some evil alien plot to rule the world.

So now you know where writing comes in. During my last simulation, I planned a short story I was going to write for Family Circle contest due at the end of the month. Then after reading what won last year, as I was looking for guidelines such as length, I realized it just wouldn't do. The subject matter was a little dark. Imagine that! I know I look like Pollyanna on the outside, but get me writing!

Anyway, I had whitled this story down to what would have really worked, but since I couldn't use it, I went with "What She Left Behind." It's kind of a story about moving and leaving things and the corresponding woman who died and left behind things. I really like it. It still is a little dark, and I might have to tweak the ending a little, but it works. Lots of detail. Lots of thought. The only bad thing is there is little dialogue which could kill me. I have two weeks to finish and get it in the mail.

Reading: I finished Laura Bradford's Forecast of Evil this week. I'm into St. Louis authors right now so I can say, I read your book if I ever meet one of them! It's a mystery, which I've learned from my studies is different from suspense or a thriller. The book is based on a closed setting (like Agatha Christies books) where an island is snowed in with a serial killer on the loose. It's the middle book in a series so I'll have to go back and get the other before I read her new book, just out.

I can't listen to books anymore as my CD player went out in my car. So I still don't know how Lifeguard by James Patterson ends. And please, don't email me. I'm going to get the book and read the last few chapters.

I also pulled out the 2008 Writer's Market and made some notes on possible markets for my work or where I'd like to try. I have a couple ideas that I think I'll get cracking on next week.

I'm feeling good but pushing myself a little too much. We played darts last Saturday and Monday and I did fine. Didn't lose a lot of energy even though I've been off for about six months.

Later.

Happy Dance

Well, yesterday I got my check and two copies of Grit for the essay I submitted. Too cool. It looks great, they did an drawing to go with it and I couldn't be a prouder mommy! Now to get my butt working again and get more sent out.

This truck training I'm doing is draining, but my scores are good.

Radiation still hasn't started. I fell apart last week and swore I wasn't doing any of this any more. But I was calmly told by others that this wasn't an option. So I go back Wednesday for my simulation with a fake machine and then start.

This has to be quick as I have got to get to work and I'm still in my jammies.

Have a great day!
Lynn

Feeling fine

It's eleven days out from my last chemo and I'm feeling fine. Better than fine, actually good to normal. I was tired out yesterday but that might have been work and doctor's appointment. Today I walked! Did a couple of loads of laundry, cleaned up a few things, did a little shopping and went to Jim's folks for a BBQ for his brother's birthday. And I still feel fine.

Maybe it will stay this way?

We are talking about looking at a house tomorrow. I'm nervous because I'm talking myself into this house really easy so if we don't get it, I'll feel disappointed. But no risk, no gain.

My New Years Resolution - Cancer essay I submitted was probably rejected. I say probably because the email response I got was "Thanks, if we want to use it, you'll hear from us, otherwise, hope your life goes well..." But I have sent out two essays in two months as well as two fillers to Family Circle and the St. Louis Post. Pretty good submissions for now. I have a story started for the Cup of Comfort Breast Cancer Survivors call and should finish that up tomorrow am. So that will be three total submissions this week and I have the information for a query letter to either AAA Midwest or Bird Watchers, so I'll get that written and popped off tomorrow as well.

Reading: Finished Survivor by Death, JD Robb. (Good story with a lot of insight into Dallas' and Roarke's emotional makeup from the horrific childhood they both had. ) Finished How to Write Killer Fiction by Carolyn Wheat. (Nice discussion of the difference between mystery and suspense.) Reading Writing for Money by Loriann Hoff Oberlin. (Lots of excellent tips on different ways to make money in the writing area) Gently Down the Stream by Matt Weinstein and Luke Barber. (Business positive!) And Precision Truck Training. A course in mid-range diesels. (Guess which ones are for work!)

I'm actually listening to Breach of Silence (I think) by Sandra Brown which is a romance\suspense novel. I am learning a lot about story arc's and chapter hook endings And its a break from all the mysterys I had been listening to.

I watched a season of The Next Food Network Star the other night (love Tivo) and dreamed that my actions were being judged all night. So I have to mix up my sensory input until the Taxol gets out of my system.

Jim's home after being out of town all week. And I wrote while he was gone. Happy dance.

Lynn

New computer stuff...

And my computer at work took a dive so I'm working at someone else's desk. Don't know what I'm going to do on Monday But at home, I have a wireless keyboard and mouse. I have to say the mouse is very fast for me and I can't find the delete key on the keyboard so I keep having lines in my writing. But I love it. I think just because its new.

I wrote a short essay but have lots of work to do on it. My writing style is very formal, especially when I write about the cancer. Maybe I'm trying to distance myself from it.

Jim is unhappy that his insurance is costing so much and I'm worried about the budget and trying to get old bills paid off so we can buy a house next year. Life never completely slides by does it? No truly easy patch where you can say everything's so fine it's boring. Maybe only the lucky ones get to say that. I keep digging out to have the dirt fall back on me twice as deep.

Well, today is Homer's surgury so I better get in the shower and take him in. Hopefully this will calm him down a little. Air show this weekend at Scott's Air Force Base.

Lynn

Must go on....

I feel like I'm that guy in the desert crawling toward an oasis. One more treatment. Two more shots. Count down has begun. I know I'm doing radiation too but getting Chemo over is a huge milestone. And there are no more Cat or Bone scans. If there was more cancer, they would have found it by now. So except for the little cells running around my body, I'm cancer free right now. So next is radiation and then a pill every day to keep the cancer at bay.

Jim doesn't want to go down to the levee to see the fireworks. Too many people. But I do. Cyndi Lauper will be singing at 8pm. I may be fooling myself that I can even do it this year. Push push and maybe everything will be alright.

Reading: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The one I couldn't remember was Vanish by Tess Gunderson? Now it's Iris Johonnson and the Eve Duncan character who has this scared voice all the time on the tape. Iris writes a lot about parenting in these suspense novels. I realize that's more what I write is suspense, not mystery.

Later, gotta go to work.
Lynn

Another Month

Well, I'm down to my last two chemo's. One Tuesday and one two week later. Die all you cancer cells, die. And then on to a month of radiation. I have to say I'm tired of it all. Its wearing me down a lot. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. And I'm tired of whining. Or what I see as whining. Everyone's journey is so different. I talked to three different women in the last two weeks. 2 with breast cancer and one with a reoccurance of colan cancer. Everyone's situation was so different, but all of them were single. Both of the women with breast cancer are having or had masectamies. The woman with colan cancer was doing chemo three days every two weeks. I am a lucky girl.

Writing done in my evil plan. Ziltch. I could say I was too tired but I just didn't make time for it. Not cool.

Reading: I finished To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Wow. I can't believe I hadn't read it earlier. I've finished listening to: The Husband by Dean Koontz. Very good and so not like Mr. Koontz. I don't really know what I'm listening to now, but its a hostage taking, Russian hooker who bought her way into US slavery and now has the pregnant homicide detective but did have the medical examiner who found her alive in the cold room of the morgue. I'm also reading a compilization of essays on how to write a murder mystery.

Later,
Lynn

You wrote what?

Well, my essay has been selected to be published in the Sept/Oct issue of Grit! I'm soooo excited. Now, I'm doing some thinking about my next submission. Everyone I talk to says," now explain again what your essay is about?" I guess I need to work on my pitch. Ultimately I should be sending out 5 queries a week rather than this 1 a month thing. But as my excuse for most things this summer is, I'm going through chemo. I hate being weak.

I tried to go to a Sisters in Crime meeting in St. Louis last week on a day I was feeling good, but it was just too long and by the time I got home after leaving early, I was dead. It was interesting though and something that I might like to do later when I'm feeling better. Jim was out of town last week and will be this week again. He leaves tonight for Peoria.

So my evil plan for while he's gone is to write. I have two projects going that I would like to get done and a short story setting in my head. Fireflys and porch sitting to start. Jim and I and the dogs went for a walk last night and I only spyed one firefly.

The chemo is going better this time, not so much pain, mostly at night now. My shots are still a pain. I think I'm just freaking about them now. The race for the cure was this weekend and although I signed up, I didn't go. Next year!

I'm kind of all over the board on this post today. Not thinking very clearly at all. Sorry about that. My weight is up, but I'm 2.5 pounds down from yesterday. Can you say water weight? I know I'm gaining some but maybe some of it will go away once I stop Chemo.

Jim wants to go camping next weekend. We'll see. I'm a little nervous that I won't feel well and want to go home or to a motel to sleep. Its a good weekend to try as I should be stronger than I am this weekend.

Later.

Chemo Brain

Well, the new Chemo (Taxol) is deadly. Ok, maybe that's an overstatement but this stuff really is kicking my butt. I started hurting on Thursday afternoon and I think I'm somewhat over it today. I was able to keep working but I didn't do much but sleep and take pain killers at night. So much for cooking healthy dinners and eating right. I felt good about cleaning the bath tub yesterday and doing a load of dishes. (By hand mind you.) Writing is out of the question, although I did finish reading High Heels are Murder by Elaine Viets. Its a mystery shopping series and one I wish I had thought of. It's based in Maplewood where I work but for me, the towns all run together and it all seems like St. Louis, though the "residents" see the difference, I guess.

I keep coming back to Suzie's husband Gard as he was going through the last stages of Pancreatic Cancer. They rented a hospital bed for him as he was sleeping in the recliner rather than the bed. He looked at it and said he couldn't get it that, it would kill him. And that was where he died. Was it his inability to give in to the cancer that made him fight so hard? I couldn't move the mattress up on the bed today after I changed the sheets and Jim had to do it. I felt so helpless and weak. I've been so strong and independent for so long, and now I can't move the freaking mattress! Ok, sorry, I had to fall apart for a moment, pity party about my hair, my weakness, my lack of independence, etc... I guess Sunday is my day to cry.

I bruised myself giving me a shot this session. I don't know if it was yesterday or some other day but I remember it really hurting and now I have a bruise and a mark where the needle went in.

Oh, I'm listening to the Historian by Elizabeth Kostova on my drive. I actually really like it but this book reviewer yesterday at the BEA session really trashed it. I signed up for the NY Times Books Update and realized, I don't read anything on their lists. Of course, I've been focused on mysteries to try to learn the genre right now, but really, some of the things these guys read? Get a life. I partially listened to a presentation on Why we read what we read, a study about our book habits and heard the part where they trashed romance and said it was all about men having power and the more power over the woman he had, the more popular the ending. Do we want men to have power over us, or do we just want to feel safe in a world that challenges us every day in its fears and opportunities. What's wrong with having one place that we don't have to be in charge and taking care of everything? I like having someone to talk over issues with rather than making all the decisions myself without any advise or assistance.

And with that, I'll sign off. My brain is tired and I think I'll lay down for a while.